


Yes, this is another Newsies Group Chat AU

by LonelyThursday



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Group chat, Humor, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Race is a disaster gay, except for like two people, non-binary jojo, very small amounts of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 09:24:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 21,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19373878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyThursday/pseuds/LonelyThursday
Summary: Disaster_Gay added Disaster_Bi, Disaster_Pan, One, Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay, Each, Sunshine, MomFriend, ThatGayOverThere, DontBlink, Of, Disaster_Lesbian, StraightWhiteBoi, Distinguished_Bi, and Functional_Lesbian to a new chatDisaster_Gay renamed the chat Hot Guy Send HelpDisaster_Gay sent an imageDisaster_Gay: GUYS HELP!!!Disaster_Gay: THERES A HOT GUY IN MY DANCE CLASSRace is a disaster, and so are his friends, but they do ok anywayI'm a sucker for a good Newsies group chat, so obviously I made my own





	1. Race is THIRSTY

**Author's Note:**

> 6/26/19  
> My first AO3 fic so bear with me as I figure this all out
> 
> I don't know why I'm so into Newsie group chats, I think it's because there's so many characters that are friends
> 
> I've got the first 19 chapters written already so I'll try to post 1 chapter per day, sometimes there might be more, sometimes there might be less, but the first 19 chapters are definitley coming.
> 
>  
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay

**New Chat**

**_September 4th 3:52 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ added _Disaster_Bi_ , _Disaster_Pan_ , _One_ , _Functional_Bi_ , _Functional_Gay_ , _Each_ , _Sunshine_ , _MomFriend_ , _ThatGayOverThere_ , _DontBlink_ , _Of_ , _Disaster_Lesbian_ , _StraightWhiteBoi_ , _Distinguished_Bi_ , and _Functional_Lesbian_ to a new chat

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ renamed the chat **Hot Guy Send Help**

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : GUYS HELP!!! 

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : THERES A HOT GUY IN MY DANCE CLASS

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : HELP ME!!!!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Talk to him

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I DID

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : HES SUPER NICE

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : AND HOT

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I CANT

 

 _One_ : Sometimes I just can’t remember why Race’s username is “disaster gay”

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Its a real mystery

 

 _MomFriend_ : Jack, you have no room to talk

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : He is hot

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Just ask him out

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : You have no room to talk either, Ro

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent five images

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hes so hot I could die

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ renamed the chat **Race Is THIRSTY**

 

 _One_ : True that

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Doesnt anyone care about MY problems?

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Race, darling, if you don’t ask this boy out then there’s nothing that we can do

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I cant just ask him out!!!!

 

 _Sunshine_ : Then be thirsty forever bitch

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Sassy Crutchie gives me life <3 <3

 

 _Sunshine_ : Love you too babe!!!❤️

 

 _MomFriend_ : What about me?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I love Davey Jacobs!

 

 _Sunshine_ : Love you Davey ❤️❤️

 

 _MomFriend_ : I love you guys!!

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ew go away

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Were talking about me rn

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : If you’re gonna be a bitch, Race, then you should at least ask the boy out

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : I love Sarah Jacobs!!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : 💜💜💜

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Hi I love Specs thanks!

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : I love Romeo!

 

 _One_ : @Of, Each we’re not being left out of this so I love you bitches

 

 _Each_ : I ain’t gonna never stop loving you bitches

 

 _Of_ : Uh same I guess

 

 _Each_ : You GUESS!?

 

 _One_ : Dammit Henry this is why we can’t have nice things

 

 _Of_ : Sorry sorry but that vine has only two lines

 

 _Of_ : Of course I love you both

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Ew love

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : ^^

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : ^^

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : ^^


	2. Disasters' Night Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/27/19  
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay

**Race Is THIRSTY**

**_September 5th 3:51 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Day 2 and hes still so pretty

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Day 2 and Race is still a thirsty bitch

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : How come no one is on my side here

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Ask him out

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Mom! Everyones bullying me

 

 _MomFriend_ : Ask him out

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : ☹️

 

**Race Is THIRSTY**

**_September 5th 5:42 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Yo @Disaster_Pan, Disaster_Lesbian, Disaster_Gay it’s the first Wednesday of the month

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : YEET!

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Shut up Race

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : @Disaster_Bi the usual jack?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Yep

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : YAY PANCAKES!

 

 _MomFriend_ : What?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : None of your business Davey

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Yeah dave fuk off

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : ???

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Don’t worry about it babe

 

 _Of_ : If you're not gonna tell us what you're doing then why don’t you have your own chat?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Cuz that takes effort

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : It’s “Disasters’ Night Out” which basically means we’re gonna hangout at ihop until they kick us out

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : You know like disasters do

 

 _Sunshine_ : I like pancakes 🥞

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Get ur own pancakes ur not invited

 

 _Sunshine_ : ☹️

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Sorry Crutch disasters only

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Pan-cakes

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Pan-Cakes

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : PAN-Cakes

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : PAN-CAKES

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : … oooookay

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Hey @Functional_Bi, Functional_Gay you guys wanna get dinner together

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Hell yeah! Functionals unite!

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Sure!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Hey there’s no other distinguished people here

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Fine then @Everyone else if you guys wanna get dinner it’s on me

 

 _Each_ : Yay Kath!

 

 _Sunshine_ : Thanks Katherine!!

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Sugar momma!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Mike has been uninvited

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : That’s fair 😕

 

**New Chat**

**_September 5th 8:03_ **

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ added _Disaster_Bi_ , _Disaster_Pan_ , and _Disaster_Gay_ to a new chat

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Where are you guys?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Keep ur shirt on were almost there

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Pancakes!!! 🥞🥞🥞

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ remaned the chat **Disaster Pancakes**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we just take a minute to talk about Tommy Bracco on Big Brother!!!  
> Tommy: "I don't want them to know I'm a super fan." Also Tommy: *has about zero chill about being on BB*  
> Tommy: "My head is spinning." Me: "The poor guys head is spinning"  
> I'm just really geeking out about him


	3. Date Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/28/19  
> Sorry but I won’t be posting tomorrow, I have a long busy day ahead of me, but I will be posting 3 chapters on Sunday (they’ll all be short, but Monday will have the longest chapter yet)

**Race is THIRSTY**

**_September 7th 11:29 am_ **

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Guess who’s got a date tonight!!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Not Race

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : r00d

 

 _Sunshine_ : Congrats Smalls

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Thnx Crutch

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Nice

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Who with?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : A cute girl from my psych class

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Add her

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : No

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I really like her and we haven’t even been on a date yet

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I’m not introducing her to you freaks until she’s more attached to me

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : That’s so fair

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : That’s so valid

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : You know who could have a date if he grew a pair?

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : And by “a pair” I mean ovaries

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Yeah Race woman up

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Help im being attacked by lesbians

 

 _Sunshine_ : I’ll attack you too if that will make you feel better

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : ☹️

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Mooooooom! Ur bf is mean to me

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : But like in a very nice way

 

 _MomFriend_ : It’s because you’re a bitch.

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : O_o

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : :0

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : 0:

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : ...

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Wow 

 

 _Sunshine_ : Are you getting enough sleep babe?

 

 _Sunshine_ : You stressed out?

 

 _Sunshine_ : Need me and Jack to come cuddle with you?

 

 _MomFriend_ : Yes, please. 

 

 _Sunshine_ : @Disaster_Bi, we’re needed

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : On my way! 

 

 _MomFriend_ : Thanks, guys.

 

 _Sunshine_ : ❤️❤️❤️

 

**Disaster Pancakes**

**_September 8th 1:34 am_ **

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Am I still a disaster if I had a successful date that comes with the promise of another?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Finding a girl who isn’t a disaster doesn’t make you any less of a disaster

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Hey!

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hes rite u know just look at jack hes got TWO boyfriends and hes still a complete disaster

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Hey!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I mean hes right but still

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : I have a boyfriend too!

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Yeah and I’d say that’s even more impressive since Jack can at least seduce people with his art

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : HEY!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Aww Smalls thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : I’m charming!!!

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Suuuure

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : I am! Specs thinks I’m charming

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Obviously

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Still not sure why though

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : You guys suck

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : XP

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Go to bed. -Davey

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : *sigh* yes mom

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Yes mom

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ur not the boss of me

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Antonio Higgins! Don't make me come down there! -Davey

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Sorry mom ill go 2 bed now

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Goodnight everyone. -Davey

 

 

**New Chat**

_**September 8th 1:54 am** _

 

__

_Disaster_Gay_ added  _Disaster_Pan_ and  _Disaster_Lesbian_ to a new chat

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : R u guys really going to bed?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Davey will know if we don't

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Yeah I'm not having Davey yell at me

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : U guys r no fun 😒

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay


	4. Brooklyns Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/30/19  
> There will be three chapters today, as promised, but they’re all pretty short  
> I probably could’ve made them all the same chapter, but I find this to funnier
> 
> Oh also the group chat is now named “Dad’s Fettucine” because I figure they would change it every few days just cuz  
> Dad’s Fettucine is a pun on “Mom’s Spaghetti”

**Dad’s Fettuccine**

**_September 13th 11:06 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _spot_conlon_ to the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Guys

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Brooklyns here

 

 _spot_conlon_ : no

 

 _spot_conlon_ has left the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _spot_conlon_ to the chat

 

 _spot_conlon_ : fuck you jack

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Love you too Spotty

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hey jack y did u add my ex to the chat I made to complain about a hot guy

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Because Spot is part of our group and this is our main chat now

 

 _spot_conlon_ : i dont want to be here

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Too bad

 

 _spot_conlon_ has left the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _spot_conlon_ to the chat

 

 _spot_conlon_ changed their name to _let_me_leave_

 

 _let_me_leave_ : please

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : No

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Jaaaaack

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : You guys broke up like 3 years ago

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Get over it

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - spot_conlon


	5. Brooklyns Left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/30/19  
> Second chapter of the day

 

**Dad’s Fettuccine**

**_September 14th 6:45 am_ **

  
_let_me_leave_ has left the chat

 


	6. Brooklyns Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/30/19  
> Third chapter of the day! See you tomorrow with my longest chapter yet ;D

**Dad’s Fettuccine**

**_September 14th 12:01 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _let_me_leave_ to the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Dont think you can escape just because I was asleep Spotty

 

 _let_me_leave_ has changed their name to _let_me_leave_please_

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : i hate you

 

 _MomFriend_ : Jack, are you JUST waking up?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Hey davey shut up

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Jk love you babe

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : But you are just waking up

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Well yeah duh

 

 _Sunshine_ : Jack’s not just a disaster bi, he’s a disaster human too

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : :(

 

 _Sunshine_ : Love you babe!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : <3

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Ew happiness

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave


	7. Boyfriend-Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/1/19  
> Guess who forgot to take two quizzes for their online summer class last night

**Dad’s Fettuccine**

**_September 14th 1:27 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Smalls just took my apple and threw it across the room for no reason

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : In this world, Ro, it’s yeet Or be yeeted

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Today you were yeeted

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : But my apple 😭

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : YEET OR BE YEETED RO SUCK IT UP

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ renamed the chat **Yeet Or Be Yeeted**

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : 😢

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Sux 2 suck ro

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : I’m sorry about your apple, babe, I’ll get you another one later

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : :D

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Specs is the BEST boyfriend!!!!

 

 _One_ : Ok but consider this

 

 _One_ sent an image

_It’s Henry carrying a plate of sandwiches_

 

 _Each_ : 😍😍😍

 

 _MomFriend_ : Alright, but consider this:

 

 _MomFriend_ sent an image

_It’s Jack and Crutchie cuddling on their couch_

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : consider this though

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ sent an image

_It’s Davey reading a book_

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : OK BUT CONSIDER THIS

 

 _Functional_Bi_ sent an image

_It’s a cardboard cutout of Benedict Cumberbatch_

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ok but consider this

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

_It’s a bowl of spaghetti_

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok Race but consider this

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ sent an image

_It’s an image of the boy that Race has been pining after that Race has sent the previous day_

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ok jack but consider this

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Fuk u

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Is Buttons the only girl in this chat who has a boyfriend?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Well considering you’re a lesbian and I’m a lesbian and Kath is dating you and Buttons is the only other girl

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I’m just not sure why you’re shocked by this

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : We need more girl friends

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Rt

 

 _Each_ : Rt

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Rt

  


**New Chat**

**_September 14th 1:58 pm_ **

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ added _Functional_Bi_ , _Disaster_Gay_ , and _let_me_leave_please_ to a new chat

 

 _Functional_Bi_ renamed the chat **Singles Squad**

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : no

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ has left the chat

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Sorry guys but im not staying in a chat thats just u guys that actually sounds like a nightmare

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ has left the chat

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : D:

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : r00d

  


**New Chat**

**_September 14th 2:09 pm_ **

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ added _Functional_Lesbian_ , _Each_ , and _Disaster_Lesbian_ to a new chat

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ renamed the chat **Girls Only**

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Greetings ladies

 

 _Each_ : There’s only 4 of us and there’s like 50 guys and Jojo in our main chat

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I’ll add my sorta gf if you guys promise not to scare her off

 

 _Each_ : Aww you trust us

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Well there’s only three of you and you are three of the better ones

 

 _Distinguished_Lesbian_ : Yes, please add her Smalls.

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ added _Crossfire_ to the chat

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Sniper these are some of my friends

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Girls this is Sniper

 

 _Crossfire_ : Hello!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Hello, Sniper! I’m Katherine!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : I’m her girlfriend Sarah

 

 _Each_ : Hi I’m Buttons!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : We should have girls night some time

 

 _Each_ : Hell yeah

 

 _Crossfire_ : I’m down

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Yay! We get to meet Smalls’s girlfriend!!

 

 _Crossfire_ : GIRLFRIEND?!?!

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Hey Sarah we haven’t had that conversation yet

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I told you not to scare her off

 

 _Crossfire_ : I’m not scared off I just think that one full date and getting lunch together twice in six days isn’t enough to go for the labels yet

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I didn’t call you my girlfriend, I said sorta girlfriend

 

 _Crossfire_ : I mean it’s not that I don’t want to be your girlfriend, I just think we should test the waters with each other a little more before we start going deeper, and I do feel like saying girlfriends is deeper than we are currently

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I totally agree

 

 _Each_ : Wow Sarah, Sniper’s coming for your “functional lesbian” title

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : We don’t know that she’s a lesbian

 

 _Crossfire_ : I’m lesbian

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I thought you were American

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : I welcome another functional lesbian to our group, especially since Kath and Smalls are disasters

 

 _Crossfire_ : Where does Buttons fall?

 

 _Each_ : I am an ethereal being who transcends your worldly labels

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Buttons is a functional disaster

 

 _Each_ : 🖕

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire


	8. Math Doesn’t Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/2/19  
> It’s short... sorry

**Yeet Or Be Yeeted**

**_September 20th 3:53 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Can we just take a moment to appreciate Albert’s hair

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I mean

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent four images

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Its just so red

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : And fluffy

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I want to touch it

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : There’s no way his hair is natural

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : It’s literally impossible

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I have never seen his roots be anything but red

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : And trust me I stare at his hair a lot

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : As well as the rest of him 😏

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : If you asked him out you could probably stare at him more

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Naked 😏😏

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : On the one hand: ew

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : On the other hand: that’s so true

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Does anyone who isn’t a disaster have anything to say

 

 _MomFriend_ : Statistically speaking, you have a higher chance of seeing him naked if you ask him out than you do if you don’t ask him out.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Math doesnt lie

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Davey has spoken

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : And he speaks the truth

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I h8 u guys

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire


	9. OMG It’s LOVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/3/19  
> This is a pretty long chapter for me

**Yeet Or Be Yeeted**

**_September 25th 3:54 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I love him 😍

 

 _One_ : Race, what do you actually know about this boy

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : A lot

 

 _Of_ : Such as?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : His name is Albert

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : …

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Is that all?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : No

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Purple is his favorite color but it doesnt go well with his hair so he usually wears blue

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hes super into science but his passion is dancing

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : As much as he loves science he hates math

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : He was super close to his mom but she died of cancer a few years back

 

 _One_ : Ok then

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : When he was little he wanted to be an astronaut

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : When he cant sleep he goes to the roof of his building to look at the stars

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : He wants to be a dancer in a broadway musical

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : He also wants to teach dance to kids

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : He takes in every stray He comes across because he cant the thought of it dying in the streets

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hes a terrible singer but that doesnt stop him

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : His spirit animal is an armadillo

 

 _One_ : …

 

 _One_ : Ok so Race knows a lot about this boy

 

 _Of_ : … I

 

 _MomFriend_ : Ask him out Race, you clearly care a lot about him.

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : ask him out

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : ^^^

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Wow even Spot thinks you should ask him out

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : That means you have to

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Racer, in all seriousness, you need to ask this boy out. It’s clearly more than a crush, and we all want you to be happy.

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : You know it’s serious when Jack uses punctuation

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ok but I really like him and I dont want 2 make things awkward between us ya know

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I mean i know that i was hardcore thirsting in the beginning but now we have like a legit friendship but its definately not strong enough to withstand unrequited feelings

 

 _MomFriend_ : Your feelings might not be unrequited though.

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I know but i cant risk it yet

  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_September 25th 4:49 pm_ **

 

 _MomFriend_ : I know that you want to get involved, Jackie, but I don’t think Race would appreciate it very much at this point in time.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : But Daaaavey its loooooove

 

 _Sunshine_ : Yeah Davey, I’ve never seen Race like this before

 

 _MomFriend_ : Exactly! Think about it, Race really genuinely likes this boy for more than just because he’s attractive. If you meddle, and it ends badly, Race may never forgive you.

 

 _Sunshine_ : That’s a good point! I wouldn’t say never though, cuz Jackie and Racer have been friends since forever, but he would be pissed if Jack scared Albert away

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Name one person Ive scared away

 

 _Sunshine_ : York

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok but I didnt want him to date you

 

 _MomFriend_ : Myron

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Once again I didnt want him to date you

 

 _Sunshine_ : Ace

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok well

 

 _MomFriend_ : Price

 

 _Sunshine_ : Skittery

 

 _MomFriend_ : Vince

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Fine I get it Im not good at helping are you happy now

 

 _Sunshine_ : I’d be happier if you picked up Thai on the way home

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Fine

 

 _Sunshine_ : ❤️❤️❤️

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : <3 <3

 

 _MomFriend_ : ❤️

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In ever Newsies fic I’ve written (I’ve only posted this one, but I’m working on more) Henry always says “such as?” at some point because I think about that part a lot


	10. High, how are you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/4/19  
> Happy ‘Mercia day  
> This is just a short fluffy chapter chalked full of memes and references to tumblr posts

**Yeet Or Be Yeeted**

**_September 28th 11:55 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ renamed the chat **Choc-LIT Milk**

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Am i rite or am i rite

  


**Choc-LIT Milk**

**_September 29th 1:47 am_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Do y gusy thinjs planets have fellifns

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I amen thay r alive rit eso does thats nebs thay have feldjfn

 

 _MomFriend_ : Race, how high are you?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Dvaud its hi how r u

 

 _MomFriend_ : Go to bed.

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : oooOOoo will u b theee

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Stay away from my boyfriend and go. To. SLEEP

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Boo

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Fine

  


**Choc-LIT Milk**

**_September 29th 3:08 am_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Race

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Theres no need to feel down

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I said

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Shut up

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Pick that guy off the ground

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I said

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ renamed the chat **Shut Up Race**

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Swing ur new friend around

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : if you dont shut up i swear

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Cuz its fun

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : To

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Swing

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : A

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Hu

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ removed _Disaster_Gay_ from the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : The ultimate power move

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : one more message out of you and ill remove you too

  


**Shut Up Race**

**_September 29th 10:02 am_ **

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : THE Spot Conlon removes Racetrack Higgins from his own group chat

 

 _Each_ : I stan one (1) legend

 

 _DontBlink_ : Legendary Hero Spot Conlon Removes Legendary Dumbass Antonio “Racetrack” Higgins Mid-Word

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : A cryptid!

 

 _Each_ : CRYPTID

 

 _One_ : A Cryptid

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : CRyptid!!

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : OMG I forgot that Blink was here 😂😂

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It only took ten chapters for Blink to actually show up
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - DontBlink


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/5/19

**Shut Up Race**

**_September 30th 1:09 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Can I add my girlfriend?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Your girlfriend wants to watch Race pine?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : I thought this was our official group chat?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I mean it is but Race is here so hes going to pine

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Is Race here? Cuz I thought that no one added him back in

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Oh shit

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _Disaster_Gay_ to the chat

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Well its about damn time

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Lol I thought this chat was quiet

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Add her, Smalls, we need more girls in this chat

 

 _Each_ : Amen sister

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ added _Crossfire_ to the chat

 

 _Crossfire_ : Where am I?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Hell

 

 _Crossfire_ : Ok edgelord

 

 _Each_ : Get owned Romeo

 

 _Crossfire_ : Is your name really Romeo?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : It is indeed

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Everyone introduce yourself to my girlfriend

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Romeo he/him

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Jack he/him

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Mike he/him

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Ike he/him

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Don’t listen to them, Ike is the bi one, and Mike is the straight one

 

 _One_ : Jojo, they/them

 

 _Sunshine_ : Crutchie he/him

 

 _Crossfire_ : How come most of you have your sexuality in your nicknames?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : It was Jack’s idea

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Race(track) he/him

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : spot he him

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Specs, he/him

 

 _MomFriend_ : I’m David, he/him

 

 _Of_ : Henry he/him

 

 _DontBlink_ : Blink he/him

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : CRYPTID

 

 _Of_ : Cryptid

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : cRYPTID

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : CRyptid

 

 _One_ changed _DontBlink_ to _ResidentCryptid_

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : I hate you guys

 

 _Crossfire_ : OK well I’m Sniper, she/her, nice to meet you guys

 

 _Crossfire_ : Even the cryptid

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : How come none of the girls introduced themselves

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Because we’ve already met Sniper.

 

 _Of_ : WHAT!!

 

 _Each_ : ;P

 

 _Each_ : Smalls trusts us

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : r00d

  


**Singles Squad**

**_September 30th 1:42 pm_ **

 

 _Functional_Bi_ added _Disaster_Gay_ , _let_me_leave_please_ , and _ResidentCryptid_ to the chat

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Let's try this again

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : I’m not single

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ has left the chat

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Wait wut?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ added _ResidentCryptid_ to the chat

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : SINCE WHEN??

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Spill. The. TEA!!

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Yeah I’ve been in an official relationship since July

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Y DIDNT U TELL US???

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : *shrugs*

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : We are so telling the others

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : No wait!

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Hmm not so nonchalant now

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : I’m just not ready to tell everyone yet ok

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Hmm

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Ok

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I love knowing secrets 😈

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : I already regret saying anything

  


**Crossfire to ThatGayOverThere**

**_September 30th 1:43 pm_ **

 

 _Crossfire_ : My rates just doubled

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : You drive a hard bargain

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : But we have a deal

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot about ThatGayOverThere didn’t you?


	12. Get RIPPED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/6/19  
> The group chat name changed again  
> This chapter was pretty short this morning and I thought ‘I could definitely make this longer’ so I did  
> Oh also this fic takes place in 2018 which isn’t important unless you care about what day of the week it is

**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 2nd 3:56 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : RED ALERT

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF IN CLASS

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent two images

 

 _Sunshine_ : THOSE ABS THOUGH

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I KNOW RITE

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : I’m not even straight, but daaaaamn son

 

 _Each_ : Yeah but look at Jojo and Henry

 

 _Each_ sent an image

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Nice

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Ok but look at Specs

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ sent an image

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Specs!!! Where were you when I tried dating guys???

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Off being my normal Gay self 😉

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Fair 😕

 

 _Crossfire_ sent an image

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Smalls!!!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Wow I’m so gay!

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Ok, but Snipes definitely is stronger than me

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ sent an image

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Hey Kath, I think Smalls and Sniper are a different kind of lesbian than us.

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : You mean the kind that actually works out?

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Yep

 

 _Sunshine_ : Ok but look at Jack and Spot

 

 _Sunshine_ sent an image

 

 _Of_ : Wow

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : The brothers who lift together get RIPPED together

 

 _One_ : Jack and Spot? More like Jacked and…

 

 _One_ : And...

 

 _One_ : Fuck

 

 _Each_ : It’s ok Jo

 

 _Each_ : You tried

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : How is Spot still single???

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Because he has a terrible personality

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : you want to die ike?

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : 0_0 no please

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : thats what i thought

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok but we’re missing the best abs of them all

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Come on, Jack we all know that David doesn’t have abs

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ sent an image

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : 🤯

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : HOT DAMN

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Uve killed my poor gay heart

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : My sweet sunshine boy??

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Be careful who you call a cinnamon roll in middle school because they can actually fucking kill you

 

 _Sunshine_ : I would never kill anyone

 

 _Sunshine_ : Unless they were mean to my boyfriends

 

 _Sunshine_ : Then shits gonna go down

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Crutchie how are you so shredded

 

 _Sunshine_ : Everyday is arms day for me 💪

 

 _One_ : Crutch, I will pay you so much money to ditch Davey and Jack and join Henry Buttons and I instead

 

 _Of_ : ^^

 

 _Sunshine_ : Sorry Jojo, but I’m rather attached to my idiot boyfriends

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Not 2 mention crutchie would never get it up 4 buttons

 

 _One_ : Then I think I speak for all of us when I say we will forever be pining after you

 

 _Of_ : ^^

 

 _Each_ : ^^

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : ^^

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : ^^

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : ^^

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : ^^

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Mike youre not gay

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : And yet I will forever pine after Crutchie

 

 _Sunshine_ : 😉

  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_October 2nd 4:42 pm_ **

 

 _MomFriend_ : Hey, Crutchie, why do you have a picture of both Jack and Spot without shirts on?

 

 _Sunshine_ : I like to go to the gym with them

 

 _MomFriend_ : Why though?

 

 _Sunshine_ : Did you not see the pic Dave? I think it’s pretty obvious why

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : ;)

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : You should come with us to the gym Davey

 

 _MomFriend_ : As much I do drool over your body, Jack, the gym gives me anxiety, so I’m going to have to pass on that offer.

 

 _Sunshine_ : Oh sorry babe. What about the gym gives you anxiety?

 

 _MomFriend_ : Just the people, and the atmosphere, and the thought of working out. It’s fine, I can see Jack without a shirt on at home instead.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : ;)

  


**One Of Each**

**_October 2nd 4:57 pm_ **

 

 _Each_ : We should all go to the gym together sometime

 

 _Of_ : Somehow I think that you just want to watch me and Jojo workout 🤔

 

 _Each_ : WHAT!

 

 _Each_ : I would never!

 

 _Each_ : I have nothing but the desire to get into shape while spending time with my two favoritest people in the entire world!

 

 _Each_ : How dare you question my most purest of intentions!

 

 _Of_ : Mhmm 🤨

 

 _Of_ : Sure

 

 _One_ : I’d love to go to the gym with you guys!!

 

 _Each_ : See Jojo gets it!

 

 _One_ : 💚

 

 _Of_ : Mhmm 

 

 _Of_ : Sure I’ll go to the gym with you guys

 

 _Each_ : YAY!!

 

 _One_ : 😃

 

 _Of_ : I still don’t trust you though

  


**Functional_Bi to let_me_leave_please**

**_October 2nd 5:21 pm_ **

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Hey Spot

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Can you show me and mike how to use the equipment at the gym sometime?

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : We don’t know how and we’re afraid to ask

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : you dont know how the equipment works?

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Just like some of the strength training stuff

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : We know how like treadmills and stuff work

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : fine

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Thanks Spot!!!

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : I’m sorry I said you had a bad personality

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : I’m sure you’re a really great guy to date

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : stop talking before I decide not to help you after all

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Sorry I’ll shut up now

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this chapter was directly inspired by that pic of Ben Frankhauser and Andrew Keenan-Bolger (you know the one)
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - DontBlink


	13. Why Was Legolas There???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/7/19  
> Just a short chapter based on an actual conversation I had on a bus once with my friend  
> I’m which I am Katherine, my friend is Spot, her boyfriend is Crutchie, and everyone else is just kind there

**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 3rd 7:12 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : We should have a movie night

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Yes

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Hell Yeah

 

 _Sunshine_ : Or

 

 _Sunshine_ : LotR marathon 

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : ^^

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Why stop there

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Middle earth marathon

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : the hobbit movies suck

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Wow

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : THE Spot Conlon doesn’t like the action packed Hobbit movies

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : the movies are nothing like the book they were just trying to recreate lotr thats why they added the whole being chased by orcs thing

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : not to mention the whole romance between whats her name and kili that they contrived because they wanted a romance in what should have been more of a buddy cop type movie

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : and i get that also they added whats her name so that it had any women but they didnt need legolas he wasnt in the book

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : i just cant stand those movies

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : …

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : …

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : …

 

 _Each_ : ...

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Wow

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : I think that’s the most I’ve ever seen Spot communicate at one time

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Who woulda thought that The Spot Conlon is a closeted nerd

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : dont make me hurt you

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : I like the Hobbit movies.

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : They’re not true to the book, but I still enjoy them.

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : The beginning of An Unexpected Journey give me LIFE!

 

 _Sunshine_ : ^^

 

 _Sunshine_ : The whole good morning thing, and the dwarves showing up, and the SONG!!!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : “I’m going on an adventure!”

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : i dont mind the beginning

 

 _MomFriend_ : So Saturday will be a LotR marathon at our place. We’ll start at noon with Fellowship and keep going until we’re done. Everyone is welcome to come and go as needed.

 

 _One_ : YAAAASSS

 


	14. M.A.S.H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/8/19  
> I actually did play M.A.S.H with myself for this chapter
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - DontBlink

**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 6th 4:44 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Im bored entertain me

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : no

  


**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 6th 5:19 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Booooooooored

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Want to play MASH

 

 _Disaster_Gay_  Over txt?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Yeah

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ok

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok so spouses

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Chris Evans

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Benedict Cumberbatch

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Excuse me but Ben is MINE

 

 _Sunshine_ : Albert

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : ^^

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Ike

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Sarah

 

 _Crossfire_ : The dean

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Spot

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Mike

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok occupation

 

 _Each_ : Professional dumbass

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : r00d

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Broadway dancer🕺

 

 _Of_ : Lion tamer 🦁

 

 _Sunshine_ : Horse jockey 🏇🏻

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Stripper

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Billionaire playboy philanthropist

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Isnt it genius billionaire playboy philanthropist?

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : That’s unrealistic

 

 _Each_ : Indentured servant

 

 _One_ : Waiter

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Number of kids

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : 1

 

 _MomFriend_ : Zero (Race should not have kids)

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I didnt realize we were playing the attack race game

 

 _Sunshine_ : 19

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : O_O

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : 4

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : 2

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Pet

 

 _Sunshine_ : Doggo! 🐶

 

 _One_ : Horse 🐎

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Romeo 🌹

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Hey!

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Turtle 🐢

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Ants 🐜

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Jaguar! 

 

 _Crossfire_ : A dik dik

 

 _Of_ : ^^

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok transportation

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Ike

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Sports car 🚗

 

 _MomFriend_ : Bike 🚲

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Race horse 🏇🏻

 

 _Crossfire_ : Magic carpet 

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Gondola 🚠

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Roller skates 

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok now tell me when to stop

 

 _MomFriend_ : Stop

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : 9

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok give me a minute

  


_Disaster_Bi_ : Ok so Race will live in a shack with Albert, 1 kid, and a pet dik dik. He’ll be an indentured servant and ride around on a magic carpet

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : RIP Race have fun being a servant

 

 _Each_ : Who lives in a shack

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I dont belive that u actually did that rite

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : U just chose what u wanted

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : You think I wanted you to have 1 kid and a flying carpet?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I really did do it

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : This is just what you get

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Deal with it

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : 🤨

  
  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_October 6th 6:31 pm_ **

 

 _Sunshine_ : Hey Jack, did you really play fair?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Mostly

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I didnt make him an indentured servant on purpose but Im pretty glad it worked out that way

 

 _MomFriend_ : Mostly?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I might have made him marry Albert but I didnt mess with anything else

 

 _MomFriend_ : Jack I told you not to meddle.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : ITS A GAME OF MASH DAVEY IT DOESNT COUNT

 

 _MomFriend_ : If it doesn’t count then why did you do it?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Cuz I wanted to Dave

 

 _Sunshine_ : Wow this looks like a heated discussion about something that doesn’t matter

 

 _MomFriend_ : He’s meddling!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : It doesnt matter!

 

 _Sunshine_ : ...ok so I’m gonna watch Big Hero Six, if you guys ever want to stop

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ok see you in a few <3

 

 _MomFriend_ : I love you guys

 

 _Sunshine_ : 😘

  


**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 6th 6:53 on_ **

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Ok but the real question is WHY is Race an indentured servant?

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : He probably lost a bet tbh

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : Ok accurate

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Excuse u i never lose a bet

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : That’s probably why you bet your personal freedom.

 

 _Of_ : But who did he make a bet with?

 

 _One_ : I’m guessing either Katherine or Davey

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : I’m guessing Crutchie

 

 _Each_ : My money’s on Sniper

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : I’m gonna go with Spot

 

 _MomFriend_ : I would never let Race raise a child in a shack.

 

 _One_ : But is that your only qualm here?

 

 _MomFriend_ : Pretty much

 

 _Sunshine_ : I would never let Race own a flying carpet

 

 _Crossfire_ : I wouldn’t let him have a dik dik

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : i dont want him

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : So that settles it Race is Kath’s servant

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Race, do my laundry

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ill clean all ur whites with a red sock in hot water

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : You wouldn’t

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Watch me

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow


	15. It Is Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/9/19  
> It is time

**CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE**

**_October 9th 3:53 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : 😭😭😭 y is he so beautiful?

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Why are you so goddamn thirsty

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Cryptid!

 

 _Sunshine_ : CRYPTID

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : CRYPTIF

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : CRYPTID

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : 🖕

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : I don’t see why I’m the cryptid when @ThatGayOverThere has been in this chat the whole time and has never. Said. Anything.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Wait

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Who is that?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Idk

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Idk

 

 _Sunshine_ : Idk

 

 _Of_ : No idea

 

 _One_ : I noticed the username when Race started this chat but Gay was in the name so I figured it was someone we knew and then I just kinda forgot

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Race who tf did you put in this chat?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Wait

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Shit

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Who is that

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Wtf Race

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Lol sup bitches

 

 _One_ : Who are you!?!?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : I could tell you but honestly i’m having too much fun

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : we could just delete you from the chat

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : D:

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Ok fine

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : How about this, you guys can ask me 20 yes/no questions and if you can guess who I am then I will tell you, if you can’t then I will leave and you’ll never know who I am

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Seems fair to me

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Fun game I guess

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Ur on

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Game on then

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : 20 questions go

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Do I know u?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Do the rest of us know you?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Sorta

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Sorta?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yep

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Would we recognize you if we saw you in person?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Probably

 

 _Sunshine_ : Probably?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Some of you probably aren’t that good with faces

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Fair

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : are you a serial killer

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Nah

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : hmm

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Are you a college student?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yep

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Do you go to our school?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Are you from NYC?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes and yes

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Do we know your name?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yeah

 

 _One_ : Are you friends with anyone in this chat?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Other than Race?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yep

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Do they know who they are?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : Is your friend one of the guys?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : They’re not going to rat me out if that’s what you’re thinking

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : I paid good money for their silence

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : hmm

 

 _MomFriend_ : Are you a male?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : How many questions do we have left?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : 8 because I’m nice and not counting clarification questions

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Ok so far we know that Race knows him, someone else is friends with him, the rest of us could at least recognize him, he’s from NYC and goes to our school, and he (probably) isn’t a serial killer.

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : I’m not a serial killer

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Is your hair brown?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : No

 

 _Sunshine_ : Blond?

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : No

 

 _One_ : Red

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Yes

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Wait wait wait

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Oh my god Race you dumbass

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : By jove I think he’s got it

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : What?

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : No way

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : I dont get it

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Race, think for a moment. A ginger male that you know.

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Um…

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : And the rest of us would recognize

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Possibly because you talk about him all. The. Time.

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : And send us pics of him like everyday

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : !!!

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Oh god no

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Plz tell me I didn’t

 

 _One_ : Oh

 

 _Of_ : My

 

 _Each_ : GAWD

 

 _MomFriend_ : Racetrack Higgins

 

 _MomFriend_ : Please tell me that you did not start a group chat so that you could thirst after a boy,

 

 _MomFriend_ : And then add said boy to said chat.

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Omfg Racer

 

 _Crossfire_ : Lol

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : I guess there’s a reason why he’s the disaster gay.

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Plz kill me

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Say it

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Albert

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ sent a photo

_It’s a selfie that shows Albert and Sniper both sticking their tongues out at the camera_

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Wait Sniper!?

 

 _Crossfire_ : Lol yeah

 

 _Crossfire_ : Did I not mention that Al and I are friends?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Excuse me as I go die of shame

 

 _Crossfire_ : Well if it makes you feel better, Albert was also pining hard

 

 _Crossfire_ sent five images

 

**_____________**

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

**_September 5th 4:08 pm_ **

_ThatGayOverThere_ : So there was this really cute dude in my dance class and we exchanged numbers and I added myself to some of his socials and he accidentally added me to a group chat

 _iwannaflyaway_ : How do you know it was an accident?

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Cuz he started out by sending a pic of me and complaining to his friends that I was hot

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Thirsty

 _Crossfire_ : Ask him out 

**_____________**

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

**_September 20th 4:03 pm_ **

_ThatGayOverThere_ sent a video

_that’s clearly Race in a dance studio about to start a dance_

_ThatGayOverThere_ : He is literally an angel I am SOFT

 _I_will_eat_you_ : GAy

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : gay

 _iwannaflyaway_ : GAAAAAAAAY

 _Crossfire_ : Gay

**_____________**

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

**_October 2nd 4:27 pm_ **

_ThatGayOverThere_ : GUYS!!!

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : HE THINKS I’M HOT

 _iwannaflyaway_ : We know this yes

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : I DID A SOLO TODAY WITHOUT A SHIRT ON AND HE TOOK PICS!!!

 _StuckOnYou_ : So stop wearing a shirt

 _iwannaflyaway_ : ^^^

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Yes shirtless Al forever please

 _Crossfire_ : You? Have a boyfriend?

_______________

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

_I_will_eat_you_ : Who would also like to see Al shirtless please

 _StuckOnYou_ : Gay

 _Crossfire_ : Gay

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : gay

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : but also super relatable send PICS!!!

 _ThatGayOverThere_ sent a photo

_It’s a photo that Race had taken of Albert in dance class without a shirt on_

_______________

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

_ThatGayOverThere_ sent a photo

 _iwannaflyaway_ : YEEEESSSSSSS

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : I stan those ABS

 _I_will_eat_you_ : Petition to steal all of Al’s shirts

 _StuckOnYou_ : Aye

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : aye

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Aye

 _Crossfire_ : Gay

_________________

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ renamed the chat **That’s So Gay**

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : They’re made for each other

 

 _Each_ : I Ship it

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Y’all better go out now

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Albert’s here!  
> I wrote this chapter first, everything else was just building up to me posting this chapter
> 
> I’ve also got another Newsies fic that I’ll probably be posting the first chapter of later today. It’s like a legit story with actual paragraphs and stuff, I’m very proud
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - DontBlink  
> Albert - ThatGayOverThere  
> Mush - Ilikethe CRONCH  
> Finch - iwannaflyaway  
> Elmer - StuckOnYou  
> Tommy Boy - I_will_eat_you


	16. Where Da Boi At

**That’s So Gay**

**_October 10th 11:21 am_ **

 

 _Crossfire_ : I’m adding the rest of my friends to this chat

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : The one’s from the screenshots?

 

 _Crossfire_ : Yea

 

 _Each_ : Do it

 

 _Crossfire_ added _IliketheCRONCH_ , _I_will_eat_you_ , _StuckOnYou_ , and _iwannaflyaway_ to the chat

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Is this where the thirsty boi is?

 

 _Crossfire_ : Yea

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Where is he

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : @Disaster_Gay, theyre looking for you 

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Race says “fuck off”

 

 _Each_ : He’s with you!?!?

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : oooOOOooo

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : gay

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ sent an image

_The image is of Race on the other side of a McDonald's booth, with his head on the table and covered by his arms_

 

 _I_will_eat_you_ : GAy

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Gay

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : GAY

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : GET IT ALIBOO!!!

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : 🖕

 

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : as this chat started with race being thirsty i would now like to thirst as well

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Go ahead, Spot

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ sent an image

 _The image is a boy with dark curly hair who’s looking down at his phone standing towards the_ _edge of a hallway_

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : hes cute and i just

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : OMFG!!!! 😂😂😂

 

 _Crossfire_ : Why is this chat such a disaster?🤦🏽‍♀️

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : I’m sensing a theme here

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : LOLOLOLOL

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : What?

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : That’s

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : That’s me!!!!!!!??!

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : …

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ has left the chat

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : WAIT NO!!!!

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : Who was that?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Lol that was my brother Spot

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : IS HE CUTE?!?!?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ sent an image 

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : !!!!!!!

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : Cute boy!!!!!!

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : Bring him back!!!!!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ added _let_me_leave_please_ to the chat

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : CUTE BOY!!!!!

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : DATE ME!!!!!

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Gay

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : calm down El

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Wait is that my boyfriend?

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : Blinky!!!!! 💙💙💙

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : Mushy!!💖

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ : Gay

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Since when does Blink have a bf!?!?

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : why cant you all just let me die in peace

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : DON'T DIE!!!!

 

 _ResidentCryptid_ : A while I just didn’t feel like telling you

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : GO ON A DATE WITH ME!!!!

 

 _let_me_leave_please_ : ok

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : :DDD

 

 _I_will_eat_you_ : GAy

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Shut up, it’s LOVE

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Is not one else bothered that Blink had a bf and just didn’t feel like telling us

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : What did you expect? He’s the Cryptid 

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : :/

 

**That’s So Gay**

**_October 10th 2:31 pm_ **

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Wait who all is dating?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Me (Jack) Davey (MomFriend) and Crutchie (Sunshine)

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : And we’re all male

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Katherine (Distinguished_Bi) and I (Sarah), we’re female, obviously

 

 _Crossfire_ : Smalls (Disaster_lesbian) and me

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : me and Blink (ResidentCryptid)

 

 _Each_ : Me (Buttons, female), Jojo (One, NB) and Henry (Of, male)

 

 _Of_ : Because we’re one of each 😝

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Me (Romeo) and Specs (Functional_Gay)

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I think thats it

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : Cool

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : I’m Finch (male) and I’m dating Tommy Boy (I_will_eat_you)

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : StuckOnYou is Elmer (male)

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ : I’m Mike (the token straight person), my twin brother Ike (Functional_Bi) is also here

 

 _Functional_Bi_ : We’re both single

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : How are Race and Albert doing?

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ sent an image

_The image is a selfie of Race smiling at the camera while Albert kisses him on the cheek_

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : GET IT RACE!!!!!

 

 _Each_ : OMG!!!

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ : THATS!! SO!! GAAAAAAAY!!!!!!

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : My skin has cleared

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ : my crops are flourishing

 

 _Of_ : My grades are up

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : My depression is cured

 


	17. Need Me Some Vitamin D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/11/19  
> I wrote this whole chapter last night. Like I had a different chapter 17, but then inspiration struck so I have this now. The original chapter 17 is now chapter 18
> 
> Also it turns out that I have low levels of vitamin D... so I actually do need Me some vitamin D
> 
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - ResidentCryptid  
> Albert - ThatGayOverThere  
> Mush - IliketheCRONCH  
> Finch - iwannaflyaway  
> Elmer - StuckOnYou  
> Tommy Boy - I_will_eat_you

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

**_October 10th 7:09 pm_ **

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Hey so I was reading back through That’s So Gay and I have a question

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : What is it El?

 

_StuckOnYou_ : How much did Albert pay Sniper for her to not say anything?

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : A lot

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Taking Race to McDonalds depleted the rest of my funds 

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : I can’t afford to do laundry

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : I have no dinner

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : But it was totally #worthit

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Was it though?

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : I got the boy

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : You could have gotten the boi if you had just asked him out

 

_Crossfire_ : That’s what I told him, but hey I got money out of it

 

_Crossfire_ : So I’m cool

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Shut up

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : hey Albo I got a shit ton of ramen in my closet if you want to, you know, EAT

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Ew the closet

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : How come you didn’t have to pay Mush?

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : I didn’t know his boyfriend was in the chat

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : yeah I didn’t know he was either

 

_Crossfire_ : Oh RIP Mush you coulda made bank off of Albert

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : damn

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : But if you’d taken all of Al’s money then he couldn’t have gone out with the boi

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : that’s true

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : you’re welcome Albo

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : 🙄

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Changing the subject let’s talk about Spot 

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : Oh yeah! What do we know about him

 

_Crossfire_ : He hates the Hobbit movies

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : he’s Jack’s brother 

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : He’s Race’s ex

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : Oof

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Oh no! Is that going to be awkward???

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Well Jack said they broke up like three years ago 

 

_Crossfire_ : And they seem fine in the chat and when I’ve seen them in person

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : If only we had an inside source

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : we do

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ added _ResidentCryptid_ to the chat

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : Oh smart!

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Why am I here Mush?

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : we have questions about your friends and you’re just the guy to answer them

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Why me though? Why not Smalls 

 

_Crossfire_ : You guys have been going out longer

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : You have the same vibe as us

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Fine what do you guys want?

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Spot and Race use to date?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I guess? I didn’t know them then though

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : But you know them now

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Yeah and?

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Do they act like exes?

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : are they weird around each other

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Is it going to be weird for them that El and Al are best friends?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Uh 

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Nah I don't think so

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I mean Spot’s a little… you know

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : But he's like that with everyone sooo

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I think you guys should be good

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Nice

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Thanks Blink!

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : love you babe!

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Yeah yeah, did you guys want anything else?

 

_Crossfire_ : Is Katherine rich?

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Are Sarah and Davey related?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Yes and yes

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Sarah and Davey are twins

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I’m not sure that Jack knows that though

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Jack who is dating Davey?

 

_StuckOnYou_ : You think Jack doesn’t know his own boyfriend has a twin?

 

_Crossfire_ : A twin that he is friends with?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : This is unconfirmed, but Jack IS a dumbass so who knows

 

_Crossfire_ : Did Jack and Katherine use to date?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I think maybe they did in high school? 

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Idk a lot of them went to high school together

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Like I think it’s just me, Sarah, Davey, Buttons, Smalls, and Specs who didn’t go to high school with everyone else

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Though it’s my thought that someone botched summoning a demon and got Mike and Ike on accident

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : So were Jojo and Henry dating before they met Buttons?

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : No actually I got to see those three get together

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : It was awkward

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Like when two guys who clearly like each other keep saying “no homo” after everything

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : 👀

 

_StuckOnYou_ : *cough cough* TB and Finch

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : We were NOT that bad

 

_Crossfire_ : “Wow Tommy, you got a nice ass no homo though” -Finch Cortes, December 13 2017

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : I plead the 5th

 

_Crossfire_ : That’s what I thought

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Aw babe you had a crush on me?

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : No homo though 

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : But full bromo right bro

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : Of course bro! I love you bro no homo

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Aw bro! No homo bro

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : i hate you guys 

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Yeah you guys are gonna fit in just fine

 

_Crossfire_ : I just pm-ed Jack and asked if Davey had any siblings and his response was “I am NOT falling for THAT again”

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : So he didn’t know before but he knows now

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : or he thinks that they’re not related and people are trying to prank him

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Could be either tbh

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : Is that better or worse than the whole Taylor thing?

 

_StuckOnYou_ : WE DONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE TAYLOR THING

 

_Crossfire_ : ooOo tea!

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : What's the Taylor thing

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Well you see 

 

_StuckOnYou_ : I hate you guys

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : In high school Elmer has this crush on this girl who was a grade above us

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : But He also had a crush on a boy a grade above us

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : He was very conflicted

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Until one day

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : He asked the girl out

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Can’t we just end the story here?

 

_IliketheCRONCH_ : No way El, I need to hear this 

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : But the boy showed up to the date

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : So Elmer gets super embarrassed and thinks that they’re both trying to make fun of him

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : So he confronts the boy about it

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : But it turns out the boy and the girl are the same genderfluid person

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : And they thought Elmer knew that

 

_iwannaflyaway_ : And so Elmer DIED of embarrassment

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : The end

 

_StuckOnYou_ : I truly hate you guys

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : Awww Ellyyyyyyyy

 

_Crossfire_ : I can’t breath

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : I think that might be worse than Jack

 

_I_will_eat_you_ : Hey Blink, Spot is just a guy right? Nothing to confuse Elmer with

 

_ResidentCryptid_ : Yep I think Elmer will recognize Spot as being the same person 100% of the time

 

_StuckOnYou_ : Maybe the big chat will have people who are better friends to me

 

_ThatGayOverThere_ : ❤️❤️❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Person on east coast: *comments on my fic at like 2 am*  
> Me on the west coast at like 11 pm: “how did they comment tomorrow??? Oh right time zones”


	18. The Username Shuffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/12/19  
> It’s a short chapter, but you got a long one yesterday sooo
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Disaster_Gay  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Sunshine  
> David - MomFriend  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - One  
> Henry - Of  
> Buttons - Each  
> Mike - StraightWhiteBoi  
> Ike - Functional_Bi  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - let_me_leave_please  
> Sniper - Crossfire  
> Kid Blink - DontBlink  
> Albert - ThatGayOverThere  
> Mush - Ilikethe CRONCH  
> Finch - iwannaflyaway  
> Elmer - StuckOnYou  
> Tommy Boy - I_will_eat_you

**That’s So Gay**

**_October 13th 3:59 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : @Sunshine, MomFriend, iwannaflyaway, IliketheCRONCH, One, Of, Each, ThatGayOverThere, ResidentCryptid, I_will_eat_you, Crossfire, let_me_leave_please, StuckOnYou, StraightWhiteBoi

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Y’all need better nicknames

 

 _I_will_eat_you_ : exCUSE ME?

 

 _MomFriend_ : Not this again, Jack.

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : Not what again?

 

 _Sunshine_ : Jack wants everyone to have their username be that alignment chart (you know the one)

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Actually Crutchie, this time I’m thinking the Edgy/Depressed/Dumbass X Bitch/Thot/Bastard alignment chart

 

 _Crossfire_ : @StuckOnYou is a Dumbass Thot

 

 _StuckOnYou_ : Well you’re an Edgy Bitch

 

 _Crossfire_ : Thank you

 

 _Crossfire_ changed their name to _Edgy_Bitch_

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ changed _StuckOnYou_ to _Dumbass_Thot_

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : Fuck you Snipes!

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Excuse me that’s my job

 

 _One_ changed their name to _Edgy_Thot_

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ changed _Of_ to _Depressed_Bastard_

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ changed _Each_ to _Dumbass_Bitch_

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : I love it Jojo

 

 _IliketheCRONCH_ changed their name to _Dumbass_Bastard_

 

 _I_will_eat_you_ changed their name to _Depressed_Thot_

 

 _MomFriend_ : Hey Jack, you know this alignment chart only has nine options, and you tagged fourteen people as needing to change their names?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Lawful/Neutral/Chaotic X Tired/Stupid/Nerd

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ changed _MomFriend_ to _Lawful_Nerd_

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ changed _let_me_leave_please_ to _Edgy_Bastard_

 

 _Edgy_Bastard_ : no

 

 _Edgy_Bastard_ changed their name to _spot_conlon_

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ changed _spot_conlon_ to _edgy_bastard_

 

 _Disaster_Gay_ : Respect his #aesthetic Jack

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : 🖕

 

 _Sunshine_ changed their name to _Neutral_Tired_

 

 _ThatGayOverThere_ changed _Disaster_Gay_ to _Chaotic_Stupid_

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : U wanna fight Albie

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ changed _ThatGayOverThere_ to _Lawful_Stupid_

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ changed _Dumbass_Thot_ to _Neutral_Stupid_

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Well I like that better but why are you guys bullying me

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : dont worry elmer youre a cute stupid

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : :D

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Wait

 

 _iwannaflyaway_ changed their name to _Dumbass_Thot_

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : You changed my name because you wanted it?

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : I want to match Tommy

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Thot behaviour

 

 _StraightWhiteBoi_ changed their name to _Chaotic_Tired_

 

 _Functional_Bi_ changed their name to _Lawful_Tired_

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : That just leaves Blink

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ changed _ResidentCryptid_ to _Chaotic_Nerd_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude on Big Brother: “-Chrissie and Tommy are the fourth couple-“  
> Me at home: “Chrissie and Tommy are BOTH gay, how are you not realizing this???
> 
> Newsies Usernames*:  
> Race - Chaotic_Stupid  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Neutral_Tired  
> David - Lawful_Nerd  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - Edgy_Thot  
> Henry - Depressed_Bastard  
> Buttons - Dumbass_Bitch  
> Mike - Chaotic_Tired  
> Ike - Lawful_Tired  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - edgy_bastard  
> Sniper - Edgy_Bitch  
> Kid Blink - Chaotic_Nerd  
> Albert - Lawful_Stupid  
> Mush - Dumbass_Bastard  
> Finch - Dumbass_Thot  
> Elmer - Neutral_Stupid  
> Tommy Boy - Depressed_Thot
> 
> *The usernames will change again in a few chapters cuz I couldn’t ever remember who was who


	19. Shit There’s Two Of Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/13/19  
> Basically just a combo of three different posts I found on tumblr  
> Also know as Stupids Unite!
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Chaotic_Stupid  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Neutral_Tired  
> David - Lawful_Nerd  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - Edgy_Thot  
> Henry - Depressed_Bastard  
> Buttons - Dumbass_Bitch  
> Mike - Chaotic_Tired  
> Ike - Lawful_Tired  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - edgy_bastard  
> Sniper - Edgy_Bitch  
> Kid Blink - Chaotic_Nerd  
> Albert - Lawful_Stupid  
> Mush - Dumbass_Bastard  
> Finch - Dumbass_Thot  
> Elmer - Neutral_Stupid  
> Tommy Boy - Depressed_Thot

**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 20th 2:58 am_ **

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Not again

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : There’s no need to feel down

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : I said

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Shit theres two of them

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : No Elmer not you too

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Pick that man off the ground

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : I said

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : MOTHMAN

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Swing your new friend around

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I hate all three of you

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Cuz it fun 

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : To

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Swing 

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : A

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Hu

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : man

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : !!!

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : BETRAYED

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : what can i say i have to support my neutral stupid boyfriend

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : 💖💖💖

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Awww Spottie has feelings

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : i will hurt you

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Most of those feelings are anger

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 20th 3:14 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I currently have seven empty sketchbooks and no clue what to put in them

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Any suggestions?

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Put spaghetti in it

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Put spaghetti in it

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you two

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Put spaghetti in it

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I am no longer taking suggestions

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : i dont know why youre asking for suggestions we all know that youre going to sketch a lot of davey a lot of crutchie a little bit of katherine and at least one of the rest of us to make yourself seem less sad and piney

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : I am NOT pining

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : Jack’s pining after Kath?

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : no he just seems like he is because he likes to draw her

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : SHES GOT REALLY NICE FACIAL FEATURES NO HETERO

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Why thank you, Jack. My father paid good money for this face.

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : 0:

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ : :0

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Really?

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : No. It was a joke. I am all natural

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : 😘

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 20th 6:23 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : What should I eat for dinner?

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Eat the spaghetti from your sketchbook

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ removed _Neutral_Stupid_ from the chat

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Anyone else?

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Hmm

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Um…

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Yes?

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Eat the spaghetti

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ removed _Chaotic_Stupid_ from the chat

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : From your sketchbook

 

 _Disaster_Bi_  removed _Lawful_Stupid_ from the chat 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today because chapter 20 is SHORT, and since I added a chapter a while ago that means we’ve reached the end of the chapters I had already written. Good news is I have written more chapters! So we have about a week I think of posting everyday! So I will see you all tomorrow ;)


	20. Love Is Adding Your Bf Back To The Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/13/19  
> Turns out I only have three consecutive chapters written after this

**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 21st 8:24 am_ **

 

 _edgy_bastard_ added _Neutral_Stupid_ to the chat

 

 _edgy_bastard_ added _Lawful_Stupid_ to the chat

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 21st 10:56 am_ **

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ added _Chaotic_Stupid_ to the chat

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : The best part of having a boyfriend is having someone remember to add me back to the chat

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : 💜💜💜

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : 😘😘😘

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : 💕💕💕

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ : Gay

 


	21. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/14/19  
> The Halloween chapter

**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 29th 12:28 pm_ **

 

_Dumbass_Thot_ : So what is everyone doing for Halloween?

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : Halloween is on Wednesday.

 

_Dumbass_Thot_ : Thanks Davey I had no idea

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : I just mean that we can’t just spend all night partying, we have school on Thursday.

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : Who cares

 

_Dumbass_Thot_ : Who cares?

 

_Lawful_Stupid_ : wHo CaReS

 

_Lawful_Tired_ : wHO CARES???

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : No one

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : No one cares Davey 

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : Y’all wanna have a party?

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : Y’all 

 

_Distinguished_Bi_ : y’all 

 

_Neutral_Tired_ : Y’all 

 

_Depressed_Thot_ : Y’all

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : Ok Ok I get it Can we move on

 

_Dumbass_Bastard_ : no

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : Fine then y’all’re officially uninvited to my Halloween party

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : Y’all’re

 

_Functional_Lesbian_ : Y’all’re

 

_Dumbass_Bitch_ : Y’all’re

 

_Neutral_Stupid_ : Y’all’re

 

_Disaster_Bi_ has left the chat

 

_edgy_bastard_ : good

 

_Neutral_Tired_ : Babe no!

 

_Neutral_Tired_ added _Disaster_Bi_ to the chat

 

_Edgy_Thot_ : So party on Wednesday?

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : It’s a school night

 

_Dumbass_Bastard_ : we already decided that we don’t care

 

_Functional_Lesbian_ : Yeah David, keep up!

 

_Functional_Gay_ : It’s only one night Davey, it’ll be fine

 

_Lawful_Stupid_ : Unless you have a test the next day

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : DO YOU HAVE A TEST THE NEXT DAY??

 

_Lawful_Stupid_ : No, Davey chill

 

_Chaotic_Tired_ : We should watch Halloween movies

 

_Depressed_Bastard_ : Or we could just watch LotR again

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : No we should watch horror movies

 

_Neutral_Stupid_ : CHARLIE BROWN

 

_Dumbass_Bitch_ : Nightmare Before Christmas duh

 

_Depressed_Bastard_ : Isn’t that a Christmas movie?

 

_Lawful_Stupid_ : Watch it on Thanksgiving because most of it takes place BETWEEN Halloween and Christmas

 

_Functional_Lesbian_ : Ah yes, the perfect Thanksgiving movie

 

_Edgy_Thot_ : If your costume game is not on point then we can’t be friends anymore

 

_Edgy_Thot_ : Sorry I don't make the rules

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : My costume will b the scariest thing I can think of 

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : Smalls’s face

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : Time to throw down!

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : 5pm behind the PAC

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : Bring a spoon

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : Ur on

 

_Dumbass_Bastard_ : what's the spoon for?

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : For a spoon fight Mush gawd

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : Yeah keep up would u

 

_Functional_Lesbian_ : If anyone receives a University Alert about a spoon fight you’ll know what’s up

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : I can see it now ‘Campus police are currently searching for two suspects believed to have been having a spoon fight behind the PAC @ 5pm. The suspects are reported to be a twenty-foot-tall blond man estimated early twenties, and a two-inch-tall woman with dark hair late teens to early twenties. If you have any information about the suspects please contact University Police. Thank you’

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : …

 

_Disaster_Lebian_ : Did you really just write up an official looking University Alert just to make fun of my height???

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : And mine???

 

_Dumbass_Thot_ : Dedication to the BURN

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : If Smalls is 2 inches tall then how tall is Spot?

 

_edgy_bastard_ : tall enough to punch you in the dick

 

_Distinguished_Bi_ : Guys gals and non-binary pals we have, as usual, gotten off topic and dangerously close to murder

 

_Neutral_Tired_ : What's the topic?

 

_Functional_Gay_ : What movies are we going to watch on Halloween

 

_Chaotic_Nerd_ : Can I make a suggestion without being called a cryptid

 

_Distinguished_Bi_ : No

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : CRyptid!

 

_Depressed_Bastard_ : CRYPTID!!

 

_Edgy_Thot_ : cRYPTID!!!!

 

_Distinguished_Bi_ : Ok now you may continue

 

_Chaotic_Nerd_ : Thank

 

_Chaotic_Nerd_ : My suggestion is we put all the movie options in a hat and draw randomly

 

_Disaster_Pan_ : Oh that’s actually a good idea

 

_Chaotic_Nerd_ : Thank

 

_Functional_Lesbian_ : How many movies are we watching?

 

_Lawful_Stupid_ : As many as we can 

 

_Chaotic_Stupid_ : All night no sleep

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : We have class the next day!

 

_Dumbass_Bastard_ : Davey we don’t c a r e

 

_Disaster_Lesbian_ : A l l  n i g h t  n o  s l e e p

 

_Functional_Gay_ : It’s just one night Davey

 

_Neutral_Tired_ : It’ll be fine Dave ❤️

 

_Neutral_Tired_ : You can go to bed whenever you want and the rest of us will just suffer the next day

 

_Lawful_Nerd_ : Fine. 

 

_Disaster_Bi_ : Eh! Party!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I had a spork fight between Romeo and Race, but then I remembered the spoon fight so I changed it


	22. HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN Halloween Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/15/19  
> I was suppose to have jury duty today but it got canceled so don’t have to go! XD

**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 31st 11:25 am_ **

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : More people need to wear Halloween costumes to class

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : EXACTLY!! It’s Halloween people! Where’s your ghostly spirit???

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : Get spoopy people!

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : My costume is a homicidal maniac

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : How is that a homicidal maniac?

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : They look just like everyone else Davey

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Hey when does the party start?

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ : Also where is it?

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : I thought we already went over that the party is at Jack, Crutchie, and Davey’s place

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ : Oh that was a definite decision?

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Yeah, this way Davey can get his 8 hours of sleep, Jack and I have a bed to go to when we’re tired, and the rest of you can die on the floor where you belong 😁

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ : Sometimes Crutchie says really dark things and it creeps me out

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : Maybe the homicidal maniac isn’t a costume at all

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : 😁

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Crutchie is ready to commit Homie-cide

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 31st 2:46 pm_ **

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : No one ever answered my question

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : What question?

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : When’s the party???

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Well I’m done with classes already so we can start now if you want 

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : My class ends in a minute, then I’ll make my way over

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Wait for me Buttons! I’m almost done

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Same

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Ok I’ll meet you guys in front of the library

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Everyone else can come over whenever they want

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_October 31st 4:08 pm_ **

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : Hey where do Jack Davey and Crutchie live?

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I know where

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : no he really doesn’t 

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I KNOW WHERE WERE GOING MUSH

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : nO YOU FUCKING DONT

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Are you guys lost?

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : NO

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : yES

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : where are you guys ill come get you 

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : thank you

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I KNOW WHERE WERE GOING

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Is that y u guys arent here yet

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : oh wait never mind Spot, we’re here

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I told you I knew where we were going

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : None of this helps me

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Eleven up and one over you simple bitch

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : ...is it actually???

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Shit it really is

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : It’s a grid system mothafucka

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : Wow

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : Convenient 

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : Are Tommy and I the only ones not there yet?

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : We’re still waiting on Kath and Sarah who are bringing the candy and Mike and Ike who are bringing the pizzas

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : The perks of having a family owned pizza shop

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Get here soon. The next movie is Addams Family Values

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : I was on the Telephone with Blockbuster Video

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : Which is a very old fashioned thing to say

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : DO NOT START ADDAMS FAMILY WITHOUT US!!!!

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Wednesday’s at that age when she only has one thing on her mind

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ : Boys?

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Homicide

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Bitch me too

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : That’s such a mood ☺️

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : 😧

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : A child dressed as Captain America ran up to us and asked for candy and Tommy yelled “be gone thot!”

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Bold words coming from someone whose username calls him a thot

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : Why did he call a child a thot

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ : She startled me

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : We could clearly see her approaching us. He pointed her out because she was dressed as Captain America

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ : Children freak me out ok

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : The girl responded “whatever dick” and kicked him in the shin

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Classic

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : @Distinguished_Bi, Functional_Lesbian, Dumbass_Thot, Depressed_Thot are you guys almost here? Mike and Ike just got here with the pizzas

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ : We’re a block away

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : We just parked

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : Can you guys help us with the candy

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : No prob

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ : Well shit I hope you guys like cavities O_O

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Kath’s rich

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : She buys us the good good

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : No

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : That dank grass

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Stop

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : The old Mary Jane

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : Katherine brought weed?

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : No, Race is just trying to annoy Davey

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : I dont need kath to bring me weed I already have some on me

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Racetrack Higgins if you even THINK about smoking in my apartment

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Chill Davey, we’re gonna smoke on your fire escape

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Bold of you to assume I won’t lock you out there. 

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Bold of U to assume that we WONT shout bloody murder for all of ur neighbors to hear if you lock us out there

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : ...touché 

  


**This Is HALLOWEEN**

**_November 1st 6:31 am_ **

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Good morning everyone in my living room. I hope you all had a good time last night because there are still classes today, and if anyone is still here when I get back from mine then they will learn just how much I don’t care about their hangover that I warned them about.

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : 🖕🖕🖕

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ renamed the chat **All Hallows Hangover**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can watch the Addams Family (the old tv show not the movies) on Amazon Prime for free!!!! So imma go do that
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Chaotic_Stupid  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Neutral_Tired  
> David - Lawful_Nerd  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - Edgy_Thot  
> Henry - Depressed_Bastard  
> Buttons - Dumbass_Bitch  
> Mike - Chaotic_Tired  
> Ike - Lawful_Tired  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - edgy_bastard  
> Sniper - Edgy_Bitch  
> Kid Blink - Chaotic_Nerd  
> Albert - Lawful_Stupid  
> Mush - Dumbass_Bastard  
> Finch - Dumbass_Thot  
> Elmer - Neutral_Stupid  
> Tommy Boy - Depressed_Thot


	23. The Party Is Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/16/19  
> More tumblr posts that I turned into chapters

**All Hallows Hangover**

**_November 2nd 5:02 pm_ **

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : So when should we have another party?

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Tomorrow

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Today

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : Right now

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : 15 minutes ago

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : I’m actually pulling up to your building right now

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I’m actually in your apartment right now

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : im already drunk

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Im already hungover 

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Ha ha ha

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : We’ll go with Crutchies suggestion and have a party tomorrow 

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Ok but ur out of booze rn

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : No we’re not I just bought some yesterday

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Jack just screamed 

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : He left the bedroom to check how much alcohol we have, and then he screamed.

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Oh yeah, that’s cuz he didn’t believe me when I said I was in your apartment

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : WHAT!?

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Yeah the party is now bitch

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Just to get everyone up to date, Albert, Race, Spot, and Elmer are all in my apartment right now

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ : How did they get in your apartment without you knowing?

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Albert has a key

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : I have a key

 

 _Functional_Gay_ : How do you have a key??

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : Albert has keys to everyone’s place

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ : he’s a chaotic good entity

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ : Just accept it and let it happen

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : I once woke up one morning to find that he had baked cookies in my apartment

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ : He used my own ingredients, but he left me the cookies

 

 _edgy_bastard_ : wtf al

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ : Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Didn’t have my own ingredients. Went to El’s

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Someone is knocking on the door and if its Finch Im gonna fucking scream

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : y tf r u screaming Jack I told u that I have a hangover 

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : What is going on

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Albert, Race, Spot, Elmer, Finch, and Tommy Boy are all in our apartment now, so I guess we’re having a party now. Can someone please bring alcohol, Spot and Race already drank all of ours?

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : PARTY TIME

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : I told you that we should have a party now

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : We’ll be there soon, David. Katherine will buy some booze

 

 _Lawful_Nerd_ : Thank you.

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ : Thanks Kath

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ : Mike and I will bring some pizzas

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ : And I’m bringing my boyfriend. Ok see you guys soon. Bye

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ : Wait wut?

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Ike has a boyfriend???

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : SINCE WHEN!?!?

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ : Smalls and I will bring obscene amounts of discount Halloween candy

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Ok Sniper but can we focus on Ike

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : We’ll be over soon just chill out

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : Also don’t we still have a lot of the candy Kath bought for Halloween??? Do we really need more???

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ : We do at these prices

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : CaN wE FocUs oN IKe tHoUgH

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : How come no one ever wants to focus on me

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ : Do you have a girlfriend?

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : No

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ : Do you have any major life events that you want to talk about?

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : ...no

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ : Good talk Mike. Now let’s discuss Ike

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : Nah

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ : Bitch

 

**All Hallows Hangover**

**_November 2nd 6:39 pm_ **

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ added _KenKen_ to the chat

 

 _KenKen_ : Sup beeches

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ renamed the chat **Mike Is Single XP**

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ : 🖕

 


	24. *Velociraptor Noises*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/17/19  
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - Chaotic_Stupid  
> Jack - Disaster_Bi  
> Crutchie - Neutral_Tired  
> David - Lawful_Nerd  
> Smalls - Disaster_Lesbian  
> Katherine - Distinguished_Bi  
> Sarah - Functional_Lesbian  
> Jojo - Edgy_Thot  
> Henry - Depressed_Bastard  
> Buttons - Dumbass_Bitch  
> Mike - Chaotic_Tired  
> Ike - Lawful_Tired  
> Romeo - Disaster_Pan  
> Specs - Functional_Gay  
> Spot - edgy_bastard  
> Sniper - Edgy_Bitch  
> Kid Blink - Chaotic_Nerd  
> Albert - Lawful_Stupid  
> Mush - Dumbass_Bastard  
> Finch - Dumbass_Thot  
> Elmer - Neutral_Stupid  
> Tommy Boy - Depressed_Thot

**Mike Is Single XP**

**_November 4th 3:21 pm_ **

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ : I’m tired of this

 

 _Functional_Lesbian_ changed their name to _WhoIsShe_

 

 _Distinguished_Bi_ changed their name to _A_Goddess_

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Nice

 

 _A_Goddess_ : 😘

 

 _Disaster_Bi_ : Aw but the alignment charts

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ : Sorry Jack

 

 _Neutral_Tired_ changed their name to _Crutch_This_

 

 _Crutch_This_ changed _Disaster_Bi_ to _BestBi_

 

 _BestBi_ : Aw thanks babe

 

 _Dumbass_Thot_ changed their name to _TweetyBirb_

 

 _A_Goddess_ : I thought I was the best bi???

 

 _Crutch_This_ : You changed your name to A Goddess… I think you can let my boyfriend have this

 

 _A_Goddess_ : You’re right Crutch. Jack you can be the best bi

 

 _Chaotic_Stupid_ changed their name to _GreasedLightning_

 

 _edgy_bastard_ changed their name to _spot_conlon_

 

 _GreasedLightning_ changed _spot_conlon_ to _the_ _ _spot_conlon_

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : why cant you ever let me be

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : 😜

 

 _Disaster_Pan_ changed their name to _HO-meo_

 

 _BestBi_ changed _Lawful_Nerd_ to _WalkingMouth_

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I had really thought we had moved on from this

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : never mouth

 

 _Edgy_Bitch_ changed their name to _BitchUThought_

 

 _Dumbass_Bastard_ changed their name to _MonsterMush_

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : I started a trend 😁

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Monster Mush?

 

 _MonsterMush_ : 🎶they did the Mush. they did the Monster Mush. the Monster Mush!🎶

 

 _Crutch_This_ : OOoo nice! I like it

 

 _Chaotic_Nerd_ changed their name to _BlinkityBlink_

 

 _BestBi_ : CRYPTID

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Cryptid!

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : cRyPtId!!1!

 

 _MonsterMush_ : oMG a cryptid

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : We’re breaking up

 

 _MonsterMush_ : 😧

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Nah you’re too cute

 

 _MonsterMush_ : 😄

 

 _Functional_Gay_ changed their name to _Just_Specs-ulations_

 

 _Chaotic_Tired_ changed their name to _Ben_

 

 _Lawful_Tired_ changed their name to _Jerry_

 

 _Dumbass_Bitch_ changed their name to _ButtonsUpBitches_

 

 _Depressed_Bastard_ changed their name to _Pastrami_On_Rye_

 

 _Edgy_Thot_ changed their name to _SpellMyNameIDareU_

 

 _Ben_ : I wouldn’t take that dare

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Joey Jorge

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ removed _GreasedLightning_ from the chat

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ added _GreasedLightning_ to the chat

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Thnx Albie!!

 

 _Lawful_Stupid_ changed their name to _AlbieQuiet_

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : Is it a pun on “I’ll be quiet” or “Al be quiet”?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Yes

 

 _Disaster_Lesbian_ changed their name to _smolbean_

 

 _KenKen_ : I’m just gonna keep my name

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : That’s fair

 

 _Neutral_Stupid_ changed their name to _UseTape_

 

 _Depressed_Thot_ changed their name to _Thomas_Man_

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Why did we all just change our names?

 

 _HO-meo_ : Cuz Sarah was tired of her name and we’re all just a bunch of codependent lemmings

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : It’s true.

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Who’s in charge here???

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Usually just whoever yells the loudest!!!

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : *Screams to establish dominance*

 

 _BitchUThought_ : *Screams back*

 

 _Crutch_This_ : *Everyone starts making dramatic velociraptor noises because we’re all just lemmings*

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _smolbean_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _MonsterMush_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _A_Goddess_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _Jerry_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _UseTape_ : *Velociraptor noises*

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : jack just made actual velociraptor noises and mama told him to shut the fuck up

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Can confirm that he did in fact start screeching in Medda’s living room and she did in fact yell at him

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Oh Jack

 

 _BestBi_ : I WAS EXCITED

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - Smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man


	25. Break In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/18/19  
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - Smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man

**Mike Is Single XP**

**_November 10th 9:35 am_ **

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : GUYS SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT LAST NIGHT!!!!

 

_ KenKen _ : Oh shit are you alright??

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Yeah I’m fine other than my emotional distress

 

_ KenKen _ : How can you tell that someone broke in?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Everything is in a different place than it was when I went to bed

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Guys I’m crying someone was in my apartment while I was asleep

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : im coming over

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Thank you Spot

 

_ BestBi _ : Were coming over too Sarah its ok

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Where’s Kath?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : She spend the night at her parent’s house. I’m alone

 

_ WakingMouth _ : Ok Sarah, do you think that someone is still in your apartment?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I don’t know, but I haven’t heard anything move

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : OH MY GOD WHAT IF SOMEONES IN MY APARTMENT

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : buzz me in sarah im outside

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Thank god

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : We just got here, Sarah. Buzz us in.

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : OMG Sarah are you Ok???

 

_ KenKen _ : Is anything missing?

 

_ Just_Specs-ulations _ : If no one responds soon I’m going to have to assume that someone killed Sarah Spot Jack Crutchie and Davey

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : We’re fine

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Spot and Jack have searched the entire apartment and no one else is here

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Weve also looked through the apartment and nothing valuable is missing

 

_ BestBi _ : And less valuable things are also here

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : On a side note, Jack is really good at remembering small details

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : It’s the artist in him. 

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : So nothing’s missing?

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : no nothing missing

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : So how can you tell someone was there

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Everything is cleaner than it was last night

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I left all my dinner dishes sitting around, and now they’ve been cleaned and put away 

 

_ Just_Specs-ulations _ : So someone came into your apartment, cleaned it, took nothing, and left?

 

_ BestBi _ : Thats what it looks like

 

_ A_Goddess _ : I just woke up, are you ok Sarah?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I think I’ve lost ten years from my life, but I’m ok Kath

 

_ A_Goddess _ : I’m on my way, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there last night!

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : No it’s cool

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : You didn’t know someone would break in

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Is anything broken?

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : no and theres no evidence to suggest the lock was picked

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Hey sorry for being like an hour late to the party but I think I know what happened and I’d just like to apologize for your distress

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : I didn’t do anything but I’m apologizing anyway

 

_ A_Goddess _ : What do you mean, Finch?

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Is there anything missing from your fridge?

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Does this seem like the time for being vague, Finch?

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : I just want to make sure before I say anything

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Now is there anything missing from the fridge? Like some leftovers or sandwich fixins or something like that?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I think we had some leftover Pad Thai that’s gone now

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Ok so remember when we said that Albert is a chaotic good entity that has keys to everyone’s apartment?

 

_ BestBi _ : Are you telling us that Albert came into Kath and Sarahs apartment in the middle of the night, cleaned it, ate their leftovers, and left???

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : It definitely fits his MO

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Hang on I’ll try to wake him up 

 

_ A_Goddess _ : How does Albert even know where we live!?!?

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Even though it makes me feel better knowing who was in my apartment I’m still not ok with him just letting himself in

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Ditto

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : K he’s not answering so I’m gonna try Mush

 

_ MonsterMush _ : don’t bother I’m not home

 

_ UseTape _ : He’s asleep on my couch I’ll go wake him up

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : I’m here

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME INTO MY APARTMENT

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : If you ever do that again I’ll fucking kill you

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Sorry I didn’t think to ask if it was ok

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Well you should! It’s rude and creepy to enter someone’s apartment without telling them while they’re asleep!!

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : I won’t do it again I swear

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : why did you even go to sarah and kaths

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Couldn’t sleep. Was bored. Was in the neighborhood.

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : I won’t do it again

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : How about we just go over who doesn’t want me to ever let myself into their place right now

 

_ A_Goddess _ : We’re not ok with you letting yourself in

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : if you are ever in my house in the middle of the night i will actually kill you

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Gotcha

 

_ KenKen _ : Man if you clean in the middle of the night like an elf then you’re always welcome to come to my place

 

_ KenKen _ : I’m sure my roommates won’t mind

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : 👉👉

 

_ MonsterMush _ : He only cleans if your place is dirty. If it’s clean then he usually bakes

 

_ UseTape _ : It’s like trick-or-treating

 

_ UseTape _ : If your place is dirty then he’ll clean it and if it’s clean he bakes

 

_ UseTape _ : Those are the treats

 

_ UseTape _ : If your place is clean, but you have no ingredients for baking then he’ll set up some dumb elaborate prank

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : PSA if you let him in your apartment always have stuff for baking

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : You do NOT want one of his pranks

 

_ BitchUThought _ : I can still hear the sound of a thousand Rick Astleys

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : That was a good one 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : What did he do?

 

_ BitchUThought _ : It’s still too soon

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Suffice to say he was never gonna give her up

 

_ MonsterMush _ : this is why I live with him. He won’t prank me he’ll just go to someone else’s place

 

_ UseTape _ : This is why I always keep and excess of baking supplies

 

_ Thomas_Man _ : Two kinds of people

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Just throw dirt everywhere before you go to bed at night

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Three kinds

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: haha Albert lets himself in to people’s places  
> Also me: hey that’s a little bit creepy


	26. Hogwarts Houses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/19/19  
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen

**Mike Is Single XP**

**_November 13th 11:06 am_ **

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Are we having Friendsgiving this year?

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Oh yeah! I forgot about that

 

 _BestBi_ : When do we want to have it?

 

 _HO-meo_ : I have a show on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday work for me

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I have to work on Sunday, but Saturday works for me

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Albie and I have a show on saturday

 

 _KenKen_ : Do you guys really think you can find one day that will work for 23 people???

 

 _A_Goddess_ : We all got together for Halloween. What makes Friendsgiving any different?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : So If this weekend doesn’t work what about next weekend

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Next weekend is Thanksgiving. 

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : I’ll be out of town next weekend

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Same

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Same

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : I won’t be out of town, but my family will all be over all weekend

 

 _Ben_ : So Thanksgiving weekend is bad

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : I have a question

 

 _Crutch_This_ : About what?

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : What's Friendsgiving?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHATS FRIENDSGIVING???

 

 _HO-meo_ : Haven't you ever seen FRIENDS???

 

 _Jerry_ : What do you guys usually do for thanksgiving?

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : I assume you’re not asking what we do with our families

 

 _smolbean_ : They don’t celebrate Friendsgiving 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I feel like we’re being judged

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Only a little bit babe

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Friendsgiving is a magical time where we all get together and have dinner together

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : We’ve done that before. We did it like two weeks ago

 

 _BestBi_ : Not like that! Friendsgiving is more like a formal dinner where you pretend to be functioning adults even though you aren’t 

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : It’s a potluck though, everyone brings what they can

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Sounds like a lot of work

 

 _A_Goddess_ : It’s fun though

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : we still need a date

 

 _Ben_ : What about the weekend after Thanksgiving?

 

 _A_Goddess_ : In free that entire weekend

 

 _BestBi_ : Same

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Same

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : Same

 

 _HO-meo_ : So Friday November 30th for Friendsgiving then?

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Yep

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Ok I guess

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Ok, according to the chart this year is Hogwarts themed so what is everyone’s Hogwarts house?

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : There’s a THEME???

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : This Friendsgiving thing sounds complicated

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : We like to do themes, I don’t think other people really do though

 

 _UseTape_ : IM A HUFFLEPUFF 

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Same

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Same

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : Same

 

 _MonsterMush_ : same

 

 _KenKen_ : I’m afraid of ghosts

 

 _HO-meo_ : And sheets with holes in them 

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : And regular sheets

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : What?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Have you never seen that video???

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : No

 

 _KenKen_ : If you google “I’m a Hufflepuff” it’s the first thing to pop up

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I think ur a hufflepuff Albie

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Ok?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : What do you think?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I dunno I’m not really that into Harry Potter

 

 _HO-meo_ : BLASPHEMY!!!

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : We’ll fix that

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : I’m a Ravenclaw 🦅

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Ravenclaw. 

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Ravenclaw

 

 _BestBi_ : GRYFFINDOR 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : ^^🦁

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : ^^🦁

 

 _Ben_ : ^^🦁

 

 _smolbean_ : ^^🦁

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : My sister says I’m a Gryffindor so I guess I’ll just go with that

 

 _A_Goddess_ : I’m a Slytherin, obviously

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Same

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : I think I’m a Slytherin

 

 _Jerry_ : Hiss hiss muddafuka 🐍

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : We’re still missing Spot and Blink. 

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : i was gonna say gryffindor but i dont want to be in the same house as jack

 

 _BestBi_ : Rude!

 

 _BeatBi_ : I thought we were brothers :(

 

 _MonsterMush_ : Blink is either a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I’ll mark him as Ravenclaw since they have the least people

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Great! Hogwarts themed Friendsgiving on November 30th!

 

HO-meo: Is there not a Hufflepuff emoji?

 

 _UseTape_ : There’s a badger emoji, but it’s ugly

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to argue my house placements then I’m all for that. If you make a good argument then I’ll change where I put them.  
> And if you google “I’m a Hufflepuff” then the video will be the first thing to pop up. It’s funny  
> I’m a Ravenclaw


	27. Blaze It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/20/19  
> I really need to come up with another multi-chapter story arch if I’m gonna keep posting everyday, in running out of mindless memes

**Mike Is Single**

**_November 26th 9:12 am_ **

 

 _BestBi_ : I thought of something last night

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Is that what that smell was?

 

 _BestBi_ : Rude

 

 _BestBi_ : Anyway

 

 _BestBi_ : So you know that John Mulaney bit where he talks about crazy people saying stuff 

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs?

 

 _BestBi_ : No the duck one

 

 _HO-meo_ : Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet 🦆

 

 _BestBi_ : Yeah that one 

 

 _BestBi_ : Anyway so the guy who said that I think John said his name was mr finch

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : is there a point here

 

 _BestBi_ : Finch 

 

 _UseTape_ : @TweetyBirb 👀

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Are you asking me if I’m an old eccentric rich man who was once John Mulaney’s boss???

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : 👀

 

 _UseTape_ : 👀

 

 _HO-meo_ : 👀

 

 _BestBi_ : 👀

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Wow jack finally learned how to use emojis

 

 _BestBi_ : 🖕

  


**Mike Is Single XP**

**_November 16th 1:30 pm_ **

 

 _KenKen_ : Whenever I see a post about updog I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help the poster complete their joke

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ok but whats updog?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Updog is a sausage in a bun often served with ketchup, onion, and/or relish

 

 _smolbean_ : No that’s a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released

 

 _HO-meo_ : You’re thinking of an update. Updog is when you end a sentence with a rising intonation

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : No that’s uptalk. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden

 

 _MonsterMush_ : surely that’s Uppsala, whereas Updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : No that’s an updraft. Updog isn't a noun at all, it’s a verb. It basically means to chew someone out or harshly lecture them

 

 _UseTape_ : No that’s upbraid. An updog is a small dog that likes cuddling in people’s laps

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : No that’s a puppy dog. An updog is when the Mets win

 

 _BitchUThought_ : No that’s an upset. An updog is the modern version of a henway

 

 _BestBi_ : Whats a henway?

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Oh, about 5 pounds

 

 _TweetyBird_ : GOTTEM

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : This chat pushed me down the stairs and stole my firstborn child

 

 _BestBi_ : You come into MY house

 

 _A_Goddess_ : I’m DYING

  


**Blaze It**

**_November 16th 4:20 pm_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Blaze it

 

 _HO-meo_ : Blaze it

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Blaze it

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Blaze it

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Blaze it

 

 _HO-meo_ : Good job boys

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : 😒

 

 _HO-meo_ : Good job my home skillets

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ur the only skillet here

 

 _HO-meo_ : Elaborate? 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Pan

 

 _HO-meo_ : I guess I just walked into that one

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second bit is directly stolen from a tumblr thread that had nothing to do with newsies I just thought it was funny
> 
> My friend use to say “home skillet” all the time, I have no idea if other people actually say it


	28. 👁❤️🐑

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/21/19  
> Apparently this chapter is zero words long???

**Mike Is Single**

_**November 19th 1:21 pm** _

 

_ButtonsUpBitches: 👁_

 

_SpellMyNameIDareU: ❤️_

 

_Pastrami_On_Rye: 🐑_

 

_ButtonsUpBitches: 🥰_

 

_Pastrami_On_Rye: 😘_

 

_HO-meo: 🤮_

 

_SpellMyNameIDareU: 🖕_

 

_HO-meo: 👻_

 

_Just_Specs-ulations: ❤️🌹_

 

_HO-meo: 😍❣️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 👬🤭_

 

_AlbieQuiet: 😘😘😘_

 

_GreasedLightning: 🥰🥰🥰_

 

_AlbieQuiet: 💜💜💜_

 

_GreasedLightning: 💖💖💖_

 

_Crutch_This: 👁❤️🤠➕🤓_

 

_BestBi: 🆒_

 

_Crutch_This: 🤨_

 

_BestBi: ❤️_

 

_Crutch_This: ❤️_

 

_WalkingMouth: 🤓❓❓_

 

_Crutch_This: 🐑_

 

_WalkingMouth: ❓_

 

_BestBi: 📖❓_

 

_Crutch_This: 👨🏻‍💼❓_

 

_WalkingMouth: 👨🏻‍💼✔️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 🙋🏼‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤦🏻☝️_

 

_BestBi: 🤡☝️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 👈🤴🏼_

 

_the_spot_conlon: 💩☝️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 👋🔴_

 

_the_spot_conlon: 🔪_

 

_GreasedLightning: 😮_

 

_A_Goddess: 👈👩🏻‍🦰_

 

_WhoIsShe: 👈💃🏻_

 

_Crutch_This: 👈🔆_

 

_AlbieQuiet: 👈👨🏼‍🦰_

 

_ButtonsUpBitches: 👈🧕🏼_

 

_TweetyBirb: 👈🐦_

 

_smolbean: 👈🦄_

 

_MonsterMush: 👈🧟_

 

_Pastrami_On_Rye: 👈🥪_

 

_UseTape: 👈❓_

 

_MonsterMush: ☝️🧸_

 

_UseTape: 😁_

 

_KenKen: 👈🙊_

 

_Jerry: 👈🙉_

 

_Ben: 👈🙈_

 

_HO-meo: 👈🌹_

 

_BitchUThought: 👈🎯_

 

_Just_Specs-ulations: 👈🤓_

 

_Thomas_Man: 👈🕴🏻_

 

_SpellMyNameIDareU: 👈🐳_

 

_BlinkityBlink: 👈🧚🏼‍♂️_

 

_BestBi: 😮‼️_

 

_HO-meo: 😮‼️_

 

_TweetyBirb: 😮‼️_

 

_A_Goddess: 😮‼️_

 

_BlinkityBlink: 😑_

 

_Just_Specs-ulations: 🎟🎥🕠❓_

 

_AlbieQuiet: 🙋‍♂️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 😎_

 

_HO-meo: 👍_

 

_Crutch_This: 🙋🏼‍♂️_

 

_smolbean: 🤷‍♀️_

 

_Jerry:  🍴❓_

 

_HO-meo: 🥪_

 

_Pastrami_On_Rye: 😰_

 

_SpellMyNameIDareU: 🍝_

 

_GreasedLightning: 🍆😏_

 

_Jerry: 🤨_

 

_WalkingMouth: 🥗_

 

_ButtonsUpBitches: ☝️👵🏻_

 

_WhoIsShe: 🥯_

 

_Thomas_Man: 🍺_

 

_Jerry: 🍺😎_

 

_GreasedLightning: 🏳️‍🌈_

 

_Crutch_This: 🏴‍☠️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 🗡_

 

_Crutch_This: ⚔️_

 

_GreasedLightning: 😵_

 

_UseTape: 🏥🚑_

 

_GreasedLightning: ☠️_

 

_AlbieQuiet: 😭😭_

 

_Just_Specs-ulations: _🎟🎥🕠🤓➕🌹➕💩➕👨🏼‍🦰➕🔆➕🦄❓__

 

_HO-meo: 👍_

 

_BestBi: 🙋🏽‍♂️_

 

_Just_Specs-ulations: ➕🤠👍_

 

 _A_Goddess:_ Alright good talk everyone!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🐙


	29. Make A Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/22/19  
> I’ve got tomorrow’s chapter, but on Wednesday I start class, so I’m jot sure how much time I’ll have for writing this, especially since I’m still trying to finish And If I’m Gone Tomorrow
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - Smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen

**TURKEY TIME**

**_November 21st 11:11 pm_ **

 

 _HO-meo_ : 11:11 MAKE A WISH

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I wish I didn’t have to have dinner with my family tomorrow night

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : What’s wrong with having dinner with your family?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Let’s just say none of us really like each other all that much

 

 _HO-meo_ : Oof I’m sorry

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Nah it’s fine we mostly just sit in silence for like two hours then we all leave

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Mood

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Why do you sit in silence

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Cuz the alternative is to argue non stop

 

 _BestBi_ : Yikes

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Yeah none of us really approve of each other's life choices

 

 _BestBi_ : You can come celebrate at my house with everyone who cant go home 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Thanks Jack but I gotta go it’s one of the two times a year my family gets together

 

 _BestBi_ : Well feel free to come over after if you want its gonna be me Spot Medda Crutchie Elmer Specs and Jojo and the Jacobs and Katherine are gonna stop by later

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Thanks Jack I’ll consider it

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Sorry im out of town babe or i would go w/ u 4 backup

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Aw babe thanks for the sentiment but that would go horribly

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My dad and oldest brother are homophobes

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My sexuality is one of the things we avoid talking about at thanksgiving

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Yikes

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : 🙃

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Don’t worry Al, I’ll call you at six with an ‘emergency’ 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I can always count on you Fi

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : 😘

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Y does he call u at 6?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : It gives me an excuse to leave early

  


**GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet**

**_November 21st 11:48 pm_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Hey Albie i know weve only been dating for a few weeks so u dont have 2 tell me if u dont want to but can i ask about ur family?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Like i know that ur mom died from cancer but wut about the rest of ur family? I dont even know who all u have in ur family

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : It’s fine Race

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My family is now me, my dad, my oldest brother Lucas, and my younger older brother Marco

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : After my mom died we kinda stopped being a real family, we’re kinda all just a bunch of strangers now

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I mean we’re not strangers but we’re not really a family anymore, you know?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Im sorry babe that must b hard

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Yeah I mean it hard cuz we don’t really communicate very well and none of us really like each other so we either eat in silence or we fight non stop and it just feels so draining to have to go see them twice a year

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Y dont u just not go?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : They’re my family Race. My mom would be so disappointed if she knew we didn’t still see each other after she died

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ok

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : So dont get mad at me cuz im only trying to make sure that ur ok but… your family doesnt like abuse you do they?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I’m not mad. And no, not in the sense that there’s a power imbalance at least

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Like we’ve never had a physical fight that wasn’t like normal wrestling that brothers do, and we verbally fight a lot but everyone is on equal ground when we do (unless they gang up on you, but they’re just as likely to all pick on me as they are to all pick on Marco or Lucas or my dad)

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : We pick on my dad for being unable to hold a solid job, or Lucas for tattoo choices, or Marco for his long “hippie” hair, or me for my dancing

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : We tactfully avoid discussing my dad’s drinking problem, or Lucas’s gambling addiction, or Marco’s depression, or my sexuality which I think shows that we don’t HATE each other

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Albert, that doesnt sound like a healthy relationship

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I know, but it’s only twice a year and I don’t let their comments get to me for long

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : They’re my family Race and I want to try to have a relationship with them

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I promise that if it’s getting to be too much then I’ll leave

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Alright Albie i trust u ❤️

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : 💜

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little bit of angst to keep things interesting  
> I can’t help that everything revolves around Albert and Race, they’re my faves


	30. Thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/23/19  
> Just a note that I might not be posting tomorrow

**TURKEY TIME**

**_November 22nd 5:03 pm_ **

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Thanksgiving just got worse

 

 _UseTape_ : Omg no why?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My dad has a girlfriend 🙂 and he didn’t tell us 🙃 and my brother Marco isn’t here yet

 

 _HO-meo_ : Oh no

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : What’s his girlfriend like?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Slightly older than me, definitely goes to tanning salons too much, is completely high out of her mind rn

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : Oof

 

 _HO-meo_ : Fun times

  


_AlbieQuiet_ : THANKSGIVING JUST GOT WORSE

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : MARCO IS HERE AND HE ALSO HAS A GIRLFRIEND THAT HE DIDNT TELL ANYONE ABOUT

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : AND SHE IS SO SO PREGNANT

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : LIKE SHE COULD GIVE BIRTH AT ANY SECOND PREGNANT

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Well shit

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Do you need me to call you early?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My dad has made it clear to me that he is on to us and that that will not work this year 🙃

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Shit I’m sorry

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : 🙃🙃🙃

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I hope you are all having a better thanksgiving than me

 

 _BestBi_ : No offense but I dont think thats hard

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Even I’m having a better thanksgiving, and I have to be with MY family.

  


_AlbieQuiet_ : I JUST SAW MY BROTHER LUCAS AND MY DADS GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT ON THE FIRE ESCAPE

 

 _HO-meo_ : 0_o

 

 _UseTape_ : Why were you near the fire escape? Isn’t that outside your dad’s room?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : BUT THEYRE BLOCKING THE WAY

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Jesus I’m sorry Albert

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : On the bright side no ones gonna pay attention to me this year and my gay dancer ass can just cruise through dinner

  


_AlbieQuiet_ : All I had to do was not open my mouth at all and I would have made it out of tonight just fine 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : But I did open my mouth

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : And thanksgiving has gotten so much worse

 

 _BestBi_ : Whadija do?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I don’t quite remember how we got there in the conversation but I said “at least I can’t knock up a girl”

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : And Marco immediately sold me out and yelled “Albert’s gay!”

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : There are no allies in the DaSilva household

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : There are only enemies and scapegoats

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : your family didnt know you were gay?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Not explicitly but they probably suspected

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Communication is not our strong suit

 

 _UseTape_ : I’m sorry Albert

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : The best part of all of this is that tomorrow I’m gonna be embarrassed about how much I’ve shared with you all today

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Don’t be embarrassed we all have struggles in life and having a healthy support system is good. And the fact that you’ve shared this with us means that you feel comfortable with us. We’re here for you Albert and you can tell us anything we want to help you ❤️❤️

 

 _BestBi_ : ^^

 

 _BestBi_ : We’re family here and family support each other in times of need

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : do you need us to come beat people up for you?

 

 _BitchUThought_ : I second Spot’s sentiment, I can be at your dad’s place within minutes

 

 _UseTape_ : I love you so much Al, you never need to be embarrassed about talking to us

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : You guys are the BEST I’m crying so much

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : No need to beat anyone up though because I’ve already climbed out the window and down the fire escape. I’ll be at Jack’s in a few minutes

 

 _BestBi_ : Do you want us to save any food for you?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : 😭 yes please! My dad’s girlfriend is a vegan and like extreme dieting or whatever so there was no good food

 

 _UseTape_ : We’ll make sure to save a little of everything for you

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : 😭😭😭 I love you guys so much!!!

  


**GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet**

**_November 22nd 10:33 pm_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : OMG I was busy w/ my fam

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : R u ok Albie?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I’m ok now Race

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Even better now that you're here

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : 💖💖💖

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Im sorry im not in town to support you in person but im glad you felt comfortable telling the others about your problems and going to jack’s when you left

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Aw Race you don’t have to feel bad that you spent the holiday with your family, I’m ok and if I wasn’t comfortable with Jack then I would have gone to Finch’s or Sniper’s

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Also Medda Larkin is a saint and her cooking is so GOOD

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I know ❤️ so wat r u doing now?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Well after all the dishes were washed Jack yelled “It’s christmas time baby!” so we’re all in the living room watching christmas movies

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Nice

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Well im actually gonna go to bed now cuz my family is EXHAUSTING

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Night Race ilu

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : ilu2 Albie 💖💖

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever tell people things and then like a few hours later or the next day you’re like “why did I tell them that? They didn’t need to know that” and you’re like embarrassed about it, but they probably don’t care or didn’t really think you were over sharing, it’s just all in your head
> 
> Also I don’t know about you but this is the face of someone who’s seen shit 🙂. I saw someone dissect the emotions of different emojis and they’re like “this is a small smile, they’re happy” and I’m like “no they’ve SEEN things and are smiling through the pain”. It’s the eyes. Most emojis have either exaggerated ovular eyes(😃), perfectly circular eyes(😀), or eyes that are closed (😊), this one has slightly ovular eyes  
> Anyway


	31. The L-Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/25/19  
> O-chem sucks don’t do it

**GreasedLightning to the_spot_conlon**

**_November 23rd 8:20 am_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I need ur help

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : why do you need MY help? and what makes you think im gonna help YOU?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : r00d

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : R we not friends Spotty?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : no were not were exes

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : WE BROKE UP 3 YEARS AGO

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Not only did we break up 3 years ago but were also both now in relationships and let me just say that i think elmer is way better 4 u than i ever was

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : We use to b bffs Spotty and now were just gonna let a dumb hs fling ruin that?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : what did you need my help with

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ok so last night i was txting Albert after the whole thing w/ his fam and he txted me “ilu” so I txted it back but like is it too soon for us to say the L word? And does “ilu” even count as saying the L word?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Like is using it in an abbreviation less intense than saying the whole word?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : And we didnt even say it we txted it so does that hold the same amount of weight as saying it?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : what makes you think i can help you with any of this?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Idk i thought maybe ur stoic-ness was born of wisdom

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : well its not

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : can i ask you something now?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Of course

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : you said you think elmer is better for me than you were?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Yeah

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I mean like i think we complemented each other well in hs but in real life were both just too stubborn for a long term relationship

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Like neither of us were willing to compromise for the other and if we got into an argument then we would both just keep getting angrier and angrier with each other and it wasnt healthy

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I liked u a lot but we didnt balance each other we amplified each other which is great for the good parts but like I said if we got angry neither of us were good at taking a step back and calming down 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : But elmer is much more calm than I will ever b so i think that when ur angry he can resist getting angry rite back

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : U can compromise with him because he will compromise with u

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ur negative traits wont feed off each other but instead will inspire the better traits in both of u and i think thats really nice

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : thanks racer

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Does this mean we can b friends again?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : yeah it does

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : and i think that if you do really love albert then you shouldnt be ashamed to say it

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : But is it 2 soon?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : i dont think there is a too soon if you really mean it

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : besides he said it first right? if that didnt make you uncomfortable then i dont think you need to over analyze this

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : U so rite Spotty

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : But im still gonna ask jack 4 his opinion

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : you understand that jack went by disaster bi for like four months right? theres a reason for that

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Fine then ill ask kathy

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : the only reason kathy didnt have disaster in her name was because jack did

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Then who do u think i should talk 2?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : id say dave crutchie sarah specs or blink

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : id recommend sniper finch or mush but theyre all close to albert so you might get more death threats than advise

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Thanks Spotty u the BEST ❤️❤️

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : whatever

  


**GreasedLightning to BestBi**

**_November 23rd 9:11 am_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Heyy Jackie

 

 _BestBi_ : Go away

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : ☹️

 

 _BestBi_ : Too early

  


**GreasedLightning to Crutch_This**

**_November 23rd 9:13 am_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Heyy Crutchie

  


**BestBi to GreasedLightning**

**_November 23rd 9:13 am_ **

 

 _BestBi_ : Hes asleep too Race go away

  


**GreasedLightning to Just_Specs-ulations**

**_November 23rd 9:14 am_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Hey Specs u awake?

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Yeah, whats up?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : When is a good time to say the L word?

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : When you really mean it

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ok but is it 2 soon?

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Do you mean it?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I think so

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Do you think he feels the same?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I hope so

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Then I wouldn’t over think it so much

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Thanks Specs

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : Hey what are functional gays for if not for helping their disaster friends

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I like this chapter very much but whatever  
> It’s a healthy discussion of feeling... hopefully... I’m not get good at feelings


	32. Fuck Marry Kill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/26/17  
> One month!

**Need Me Some Vitamin D**

**_November 25th 12:58 pm_ **

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Finch, Fuck Marry Kill

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Ok

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Elmer Albert Mush 

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Why are you like this

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Fuck Albert, marry Elmer, kill Mush

 

 _MonsterMush_ : what did I do to you???

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : You borrowed my 3DS and never gave it back

 

 _MonsterMush_ : I gave it to Albert I thought he gave it back to you

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Fine then fuck Mush and kill Albert

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Mush, fmk Elmer Albert Sniper

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Are you gonna just keep circling through people on this chat?

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : I forgot we added Blink to our group 

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Well what do you suggest?

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Katherine, Jack, Ike

 

 _MonsterMush_ : marry Katherine, fuck Jack, kill Ike 

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Golddigger 

 

 _MonsterMush_ : obviously

 

 _MonsterMush_ : Sniper! Fmk Katherine, Sarah, Buttons

 

 _BitchUThough_ : Hmm

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Are we ignoring that Buttons doesn’t like girls

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Yeah

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Marry Sarah for sure

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Really?

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : So you don’t want Kath’s money

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Sarah’s much tidier

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : As someone who has been in their apartment when they weren’t expecting guests, can confirm that Katherine has papers and stuff for her articles EVERYWHERE

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Exactly

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Anyway, fuck Buttons and kill Katherine

 

 _MonsterMush_ : kill the competition

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Tommy, fmk Race, Romeo, Spot

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Fuck Romeo, marry Spot, kill Race

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : That was fast

 

 _UseTape_ : Hey! Spot’s mine!

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Why are you killing my boyfriend!

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Which offends you more, that I want to kill your boyfriend or that my boyfriend wants to kill you?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : You wanting to kill my boyfriend obviously

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I lost Finch’s 3DS so him wanting to kill me is not a surprise

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : YOU LOST MY DS???

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Chill Finch, it’s in my room somewhere

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Blink, fmk Specs, Henry, Crutchie

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Kill Specs, fuck Henry, marry Crutchie 

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Wow what did Specs ever do to you?

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : He knows what he did

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Anyway

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Elmer fmk Smalls Mike Davey

 

 _UseTape_ : I don't want to kill anyone

 

 _BitchUThought_ : It’s theoretical El, you’re not gonna fuck or marry any of them either

 

 _UseTape_ : But theoretically I wouldn’t kill anyone

 

 _MonsterMush_ : Just answer the question 

 

 _UseTape_ : Fine, fuck Smalls marry Mike kill Davey 

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Why marry Mike?

 

 _UseTape_ : I don't know I just put them in the order given

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Ok so Elmer is bad at this

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Albert, fmk Crutchie, Jojo, Elmer

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Fuck Jojo, marry Elmer, kill Crutchie

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : You’d kill Crutchie?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I don’t trust him, I don’t think he’s a sweet as he shows himself to be

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Well today on Which Of My Friends I’d Kill, we kill Katherine, Albert, Crutchie, Ike, Specs, Race, and I guess Davey too

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Thanks for playing everyone!

 


	33. Boyfriend Shaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/27/19
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen

**It’s Christmas Time Baby**

**_November 28th 4:55 pm_ **

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Can we all just take a moment to shame Jack for eating moldy bread

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Jack!

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : That’s disgusting. 

 

_ BestBi _ : I cut off the moldy bits its fine

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : That’s not how mold works, Jack. 

 

_ HO-meo _ : What do you mean that's not how mold works???

 

_ KenKen _ : He cut the mold off, it’s fine

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : No guys, if any of the bread has visible mold on it then all of the bread has mold on it

 

_ Jerry _ : :0

 

_ Ben _ : 0:

 

_ KenKen _ : 😮

 

_ HO-meo _ : 😨

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Is anyone else concerned that Mike and Ike work in a pizzeria but don’t know how mold works?

 

_ WalkingMouth:  _ If any of the bread has fruiting mold then all of the bread has mold spores in it and you shouldn’t eat ANY of it.

 

_ BestBi _ : Shit am I gonna die???

 

_ A_Goddess _ : No Jack, you should be fine. Just don’t eat anymore moldy bread

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : The More You Know 🌈⭐️

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : ah yes jacks diet of moldy bread and paint water

 

_ UseTape _ : Hey as long as we’re boyfriend shaming…

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : no fuck you shut up

 

_ UseTape _ : You guys know how plastic fruits are a thing?

 

_ Crutch_This _ : The decoration things?

 

_ UseTape _ : Yeah

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : el im begging you

 

_ UseTape _ : Spot tried to eat one cuz he thought it was real

 

_ BestBi _ : HAHAHA AT LEAST I ATE ACTUAL FOODS

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : shut up jack they were very realistic 

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Did he take a bite out of it?

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : He didn’t swallow any, did he?

 

_ UseTape _ : Yeah he took quite a chunk out of it

 

_ UseTape _ : No he spit it out

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : last weekend elmer and i went to a bar and after a few drinks he asked if i had a boyfriend and then started crying when i told him that i did

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Wow Elly

 

_ UseTape _ : He was just so cute and I wanted to go out with him

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : we were literally on a date at the time

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : So not only did Elmer forget he was dating Spot, he also totally forgot he was in any relationship

 

_ KenKen _ : Well as long as we’re shaming boyfriends

 

_ Jerry _ : You can’t shame me

 

_ Jerry _ : I have no shame

 

_ KenKen _ : He literally forgot whether he was my boyfriend or if his brother was

 

_ KenKen _ : It should be noted that he also forgot which one he was

 

_ Ben _ : Ha classic Mike

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Race was half asleep once and kept gushing to me about this super hot guy in his dance class that he had a secret crush on

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : When Albies stoned he pats my face and says “pretty” for like five minutes straight

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Every time

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : It’s important to me that you know how pretty you are

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Aww babe

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : 😘

 

_ Thomas_Man _ : When Finch is stoned he climbs a tree and insists that he needs to become one with his brethren

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : Tommy called a child a thot

 

_ Thomas_Man _ : Yeah Fi, we already discussed this

 

_ Thomas_Man _ : You can’t just double jeopardy me

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I am HERE for these boys calling each other out

 

_ A_Goddess _ : I would spill dirt on Sarah but I can’t because she’s perfect 

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Aww that’s sweet

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : I have dirt on you though 

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Freshman year Katherine didn’t know how a microwave worked and she set off the fire alarm in our building five times in the first semester

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Sarah!!!

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : “I didn’t know it needed water!” -Katherine Pulitzer after putting dry ramen in the microwave

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Ooo yass sarah spill that tea sister

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : She put a fork in the microwave

 

_ A_Goddess _ : THAT WAS ONE TIME

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : She didn’t know how long to put popcorn in for so she put it in for five minutes

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Can we go back to making fun of Jack please 

 

_ BestBi _ : When we were dating Katherine bought me a dog for our one month anniversary and thought it was a normal thing to do 

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : he named the dog Santa Fe

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Fe is the goodest boy 

 

_ Crutch_This _ sent an image

_ It’s Jack cuddling a brown border collie that has a red bandana around its neck _

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : I love him!!! 😍😍😍

 

_ KenKen _ : Jack I will give you ALL of the money in exchange for your dog

 

_ BestBi _ : No

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : What the heck Kath never bought me a dog

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Well SOMEONE told me that it was a “normal thing to do”

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Jack said that?

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : No jack tried to spare her feelings

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : I told her it was weird

 

_ BestBi _ : Kath also one told me to “dress casually” for a date then took me to a super fancy restaurant that made me look like a schlub 

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Jack and I once had a date and all he did was talk about how cute Crutchie was, and he didn’t seem to realize that that was not a platonic thing to do

 

_ BestBi _ : Ah yes back when I thought I was straight 

 

_ HO-meo _ : Oh oh! Specs once spent half an hour looking for his glasses

 

_ HO-meo _ : He was wearing them

 

_ Just_Specs-ulations _ : Romeo cries if you even say Old Yeller

 

_ HO-meo _ : ITS SO SAD 

 

_ KenKen _ : When Ike forgets which twin he is he sometimes cries about how he “doesn’t want to He the straight one”

 

_ Ben _ : Bitch me neither

 

_ Ben _ : But here I am

 

_ Ben _ : Just goes to show ya, sexuality isn’t a choice

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : What would you do if you were attracted to guys?

 

_ Ben _ : Get a tall bf to grab things off the top shelf for me

 

_ HO-meo _ : If that’s not the most relatable thing ever

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Rt

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Rt

 

_ Thomas_Man _ : Rt

 

_ KenKen _ : Most of you guys aren’t even that short

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Yeah but we have tall AF boyfriends

 

_ smolbean _ : When I want something off the top shelf I just climb the cabinets 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : I can’t climb the cabinets

 

_ smolbean _ : Well that’s what you have Davey for

 

_ BestBi _ : Hey I can think of a few couples who haven’t shown up to this S.O. roast

 

_ BlinkityBlink _ : Mush is perfect and I love him

 

_ MonsterMush _ : ❤️❤️

 

_ MonsterMush _ : Blink is a cryptid and I love him 

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Ew

 

_ UseTape _ : Mush likes to roast Blink irl where it can’t be screenshotted

 

_ TweetyBirb _ : True

 

_ MonsterMush _ : 😉

 

_ BitchUThought _ : Smalls can’t swim

 

_ A_Goddess _ : I don't think that that counts as a roast

 

_ BitchUThought _ : It’s not

 

_ BitchUThought _ : I just thought you should know

 

_ smolbean _ : Sniper’s favorite color is pink

 

_ BitchUThought _ : Bitch

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Henry, Buttons, and I are watching a movie and don’t have time for you mortals and your petty squabbles

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Ok, well if this was a contest to see who had the dumbest S.O. then I think Crutchie and I win. Jack is throwing up because he chugged all his paint water. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : To be fair, Race dared him to

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : because that makes it better

 

_ BestBi _ : $20 baby!

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : 🤦🏻♂️

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Jack drinking paint water, $20

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : The look on daveys face afterwards, priceless

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Freshman year of college the smoke detectors in my dorm building were set off at least once a week for the entire first quarter, many times for the reasons listed above. “I didn’t know it needed water” was an actual thing I heard someone say out loud after they set off the smoke detector after putting dry ramen in the microwave. So just in case you don’t already know, ADD WATER TO YOU MICROWAVE RAMEN, thank you.
> 
> Also if you find mold on one piece of bread and don’t see any on the other slices, THEY STILL HAVE MOLD ON THEM. You can’t see mold spores, but if you see fruiting bodies then you can assume the entire thing has mold


	34. Happy Xanuka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/28/19  
> I don’t think I will ever achieve the level of comedy I hit yesterday again, but I will attempt  
> Anyway I was worried that I had missed 2018 Hanukkah, but I didn’t!

**It’s Christmas Time Baby**

**_December 2nd 10:39 am_ **

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Happy Hanukkah everyone who celebrates!!

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : 🕎

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : 🕎

 

_ UseTape _ : 🕎

 

_ MonsterMush _ : are you Jewish, Katherine?

 

_ A_Goddess _ : My father is Jewish, my mother is Christian, we celebrate both sets of holidays

 

_ MonsterMush _ : Nice

 

_ UseTape  _ renamed the chat  **Happy Chanukah**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hanukah**

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Chanuka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Chanukkah**

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hanuka**

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Please stop.

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Channukah**

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Chanukka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hanukka**

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Why

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hannuka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hannukkah**

 

_ A_Goddess _ : We get it, there’s a lot of ways to spell Hanukkah. Can you both stop now

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Were almost done

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Channuka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Xanuka**

 

_ BestBi _ : I dont think that ones real

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : You wish it wasn’t real

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Hannukka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Channukkah**

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ renamed the chat  **Happy Channukka**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ renamed the chat  **Happy Chanuqa**

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Ok were done

 

_ Ben _ : There’s no way that those are all real

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : According to the internet, there are 16 acceptable ways to spell Hanukkah. These are it

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Most of them are just variations on the same thing, either it starts with an H or a C

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : There’s either one N or two

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Either one K or two

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : And it either ends with an A or an H

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Ok, thank you guys for the Hanukkah lesson, please don’t do that again.

 

_A_Goddess_ renamed the chat **Happy Holidays**

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Please leave it like that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know  
> The internet said that these were all acceptable ways to spell Hanukkah. Once you type out about six of them you keep thinking “how have I not already spelled it this way?”


	35. Chappy Chanukah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/29/19  
> Thank you im_dying_inside for the idea of Chappy Chanukah, it inspired this whole chapter

**Happy Holidays**

**_December 3rd 3:01 am_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ renamed the chat **Chappy Chanukah**

 

 _BestBi_ : Wtf Race?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I couldnt resist

 

 _BestBi_ : Why are you even awake

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ur awake 2

 

 _BestBi_ : My 1 class tomorrow got cancelled your turn 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ive decided that getting more than 5 is excessive 

 

 _UseTape_ : Seriously? Sleep is for the weak, you don’t need more than an hour

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : You guys still sleep???

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Insomnia is my bitch

 

 _BestBi_ : Are you guys ok?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : No

 

 _UseTape_ : Nope

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Nah

 

**Chappy Chanukah**

**_December 3rd 10:12 am_ **

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Who changed the chat name???

 

 _BestBi_ : Race @ 3am

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : Seriously guys?

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : I dont know, Chenry, I think it’s clever

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : The fuck did you just call me???

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Whats wrong Chenry?

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : That’s it we're breaking up

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : No Chenry!!! Don’t leave us

 

 _Pastrami_On_Rye_ : 😑

 

 _Jerry_ : That’s so sad

 

 _Jerry_ : You guys use to be as tight as me and Kkeny

 

 _KenKen_ : Maybe Mike IS the one I’m dating

 

 _Jerry_ : :0

 

 _A_Goddess_ : I thought we agreed not to change the chat name again

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Lighten up Kkatherinne, I think it’s funny

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Sara

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Fuck

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Spelled S A R A with no H cuz H’s are EW!!!

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : I’m sorry Kath please stop

 

 _BestBi_ : I am not sorry Kkatch

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Jahckk

 

 _BestBi_ : Still not sorry

 

 _BestBi_ : @Crutch_This, WalkingMouth what do you guys think about my new name

 

 _Crutch_This_ : My new name is Cruthie!!

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : That just sounds like you’re trying to say “Crutchie” with a speech impediment. 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Now ur name is spelled as dumb as u r

 

 _BestBi_ : Anntonnio

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Now my name is spelled as dumb as I am

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Your name is Antonio?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Pahtrickk

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : WHO TOLD YOU???

 

 _Ben_ : Your name is Patrick?

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : ALBERT DASILVA!!! I will tell them your real name don’t think I won’t

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : The fuck does that mean?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ur real name isnt Albert???

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : My real name IS Albert hence the “The fuck does that mean”

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : You know what it means

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I really really don’t 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Also I didn’t tell him your name

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : THEN WHO DID

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Why can’t I just be really good at guessing?

 

 _BestBi_ : Cuz youre not

 

 _BitchUThought_ : 😏

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : ANNASTASIAH

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Still not right, but I like your moxie

 

 _Crutch_This_ : ???

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Finnh is trying to guess Snniper’s real name

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : He’s very bad at it

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Can we stop adding letters to people’s names, please?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : dahvid

 

 _BestBi_ : Seahn

 

 _MonsterMush_ : sEAN?!?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : time for murder

 

 _BeatBi_ : Fuk

 

 _smolbean_ : Whats Mush’s real name?

 

 _MonsterMush_ : it's not very exciting

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : His name is Micheal Meyers

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Miheahl

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : …

 

 _Crutch_This_ : …

 

 _Ben_ : 0:

 

 _Jerry_ : :0

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Your parents named you after a fictional psychopath?

 

 _MonsterMush_ : eLMERS REAL NAME IS ELIAZ

 

 _UseTape_ : What did I do???

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : So in this chat we have: Kkatcherinne, Sahra, Jahckk, Cruthie, Dahvid, Chennry, Kkeny, Mikke, Ikke, Pahtrickk/Finnh, Snniper, Smahlls, Musch/Miheahl, Seahn, Eliahz, and Ahlbert

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : When white suburban moms name kids

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Did I miss anyone

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Ahnntonnio

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : Tchomahs Mahnn

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I think Tommy won

 

 _HO-meo_ : But the real winners are Me, Specs, Buttons, and Jojo for not having H A N or K in our names

 

 _Crutch_This_ : They have no Hanks

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Jorgelinno Josepchinno

 

 _UseTape_ : I understand the username now

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Is Jahckk is around?

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Spot has probably found and murdered him by now, so no, probably not. 

 

 _smolbean_ : RIP Jahckk

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen


	36. Jeepers! It’s The Fuzz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/31/19
> 
> Newsies Usernames:  
> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen

**Chappy Chanukah**

**_December 7th 1:29_ **

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Did anyone else see the university alert about that guy stealing someone’s MAGA hat?

 

 _smolbean_ : “Campus police are searching for a white college age male with short curly hair and a red sweatshirt after he approached a man near the library at around 11 a.m. this morning, and snatched a red ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball cap from the victim’s head and ran away in a southwards direction. If you have any information please alert campus police.”

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : Not all heroes wear capes

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : We stan one (1) legend

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Ok, but he still stole from someone who did nothing to him, it’s illegal. 

 

 _BestBi_ : If you had information would you give it to the police

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : DID YOU DO IT???

 

 _BestBi_ : No Dave theyre looking for a white guy I just wanna know

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I guess I would not give information to the police. 

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : It’s illegal, but I similarly don’t think the perpetrator deserves to be punished just for stealing a hat. 

 

 _BestBi_ : Great!

 

 _BestBi_ sent an image

_It’s Race in a red hoodie with three MAGA hats stacked on his head_

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : WHAT?!

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : NICE!!!

 

 _smolbean_ : The alert implies you only stole 1 hat

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Only 1 person reported it

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : The responsible human in me wants to report you. 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Snitches get stitches davey

 

 _BestBi_ : You said you wouldnt report

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I thought it was a hypothetical!

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Don’t report him, Davey, Race would die in prison 

 

 _Ben_ : Would he go to prison?

 

 _A_Goddess_ : The penalty for a strong-armed robbery (which the campus police said this is) in New York is up to seven years in prison

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Looks like 2 ⅔ years minimum

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Shit please don’t report me Davey!

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : I’m definitely not going to report you for stealing some hats, that isn’t worth prison time. 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Thanks Davey!!!

 

 _BestBi_ : Thank you babe!

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Next time just don’t tell me when you’ve committed a crime. 

 

 _BestBi_ : You got it

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Ah yes, plausible deniability, my old friend

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Bitch shut up ur usually just as guilty as us 

 

 _Crutch_This_ : You can prove nothing

 

 _BestBi_ : This is true

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : So what you’re saying is that Crutchie isn’t as innocent as he seems?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Yep

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I knew it

 

 _Crutch_This_ : 😉

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Do I even want to know what you guys get up to when I’m gone?

 

 _BestBi_ : Not if you want to keep your plausible deniability

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : *sigh* Just don’t get arrested, alright?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : 😉

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Have any of you ever been arrested?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : yes

 

 _BestBi_ : Once but it wasnt my fault

 

 _Ben_ : I got taken to the station once, but I wasn’t really being arrested

 

 _Jerry_ : Where was I?

 

 _Ben_ : Hiding in a dumpster

 

 _Jerry_ : Oh yeah I remember now

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Are you guys gonna explain that?

 

 _Ben_ : Um

 

 _Jerry_ : No

 

 _KenKen_ : How old were you???

 

 _Jerry_ : 10

 

 _Ben_ : That’s why I wasn’t really arrested

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I once got chased by a mall cop 

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : OMG same!!!

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Omg soulmates!!!

 

 _BitchUThought_ : My dad is a cop

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : i think i met him

 

 _UseTape_ : What did you do to get arrested?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : it was jacks fault

 

 _BestBi_ : IT WAS NOT

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Ok but what did you guys do

 

 _BestBi_ : Nuh uh

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : we made a blood oath to never talk about it again

  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_December 7th 2:09 pm_ **

 

 _Crutch_This_ : What did you do?

 

 _BestBi_ : You already know

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Don't tell me, I don't think my anxiety could take it. 

 

 _BestBi_ : Its not like it was a major crime Dave Im not in jail now am I?

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Don’t tell me anyway. 

  


**Chappy Chanukah**

**_December 7th 2:10 pm_ **

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : I got arrested for throwing a water balloon at a cop car

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Why did you do that?

 

 _Thomas_Man_ : I wasn’t aiming for the cop

 

 _MonsterMush_ : Everytime a police car passes Elmer says that they’re coming for him

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Elmer who has never done anything wrong. In. His. Life. 

 

 _UseTape_ : You never know when someone might have framed you for a murder 

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Elmer, let me be the first to say: what the actual fuck?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Thats so tru

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the MAGA hat thing happened at my school, and the email said they were charged with “strong-armed robbery” which I thought would be a fine since the email did not imply that the thief was in any way violent (just ballsy) but I googled it and it’s PRISON  
> Anyway, the perp description sounded like Race sooo


	37. Twenty Ducks In A Trench Coat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/1/31

**Girls Only**

**_December 9th 12:34 pm_ **

 

 _smolbean_ : Ladies

 

 _smolbean_ : I have a confession to make

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Yes, Smalls?

 

 _smolbean_ : I’m not like other girls

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : ???

 

 _A_Goddess_ : What is that supposed to mean?

 

 _smolbean_ : I am actually twenty ducks in a trench coat

 

 _smolbean_ : 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🧥

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Twenty sounds like an overestimate

 

 _BitchUThought_ : You’re more like twelve ducks

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Thirteen tops

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🧥

 

 _smolbean_ : Thanks

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : This went in a way better direction than I thought it would 

  


**GreasedLightning to HO-meo**

**_December 9th 1:52 pm_ **

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Heyy Ro!

 

 _HO-meo_ : This can’t be good

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Want 2 go on a man-date w/ me

 

 _HO-meo_ : Bro that’s gay

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Nah bro

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : No homo bro

 

 _HO-meo_ : Ok but why do you want to go on a man date?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Theres this new restaurant I wanna try but Albert wont go with me because he says it looks like “food poisoning covered in butter”

 

 _HO-meo_ : You has me at heyy

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Then Why did you say this can’t be good???

 

 _HO-meo_ : That’s just my inner Specs talking

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Ew I dont wanna hear about that

 

 _HO-meo_ : Not like that you perv

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : U love me

 

 _HO-meo_ : I’d love you more if you paid for my buttered food poisoning

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Fine

 

 _HO-meo_ : 😘

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : 😘

  


**Singles Squad**

**_December 9th 2:21 pm_ **

 

 _Ben_ removed _GreasedLightning_ from the chat

 

 _Ben_ removed _the_spot_conlon_ from the chat

 

 _Ben_ removed _BlinkityBlink_ from the chat

 

 _Ben_ removed _Jerry_ from the chat

 

 _Ben_ : All by myself

 

 _Ben_ : Don't wanna be all by myself

  


**Bros and Hoes**

**_December 9th 2:25 pm_ **

 

 _Jerry_ : Why did you remove me from Singles Squad

 

 _Ben_ : Cuz you’re not single bitch

 

 _Jerry_ : Well Blink wasn’t single but we kept him around

 

 _Ben_ : Bro we can talk here

 

 _Jerry_ : But Kenny’s here

 

 _KenKen_ : What would you talk about if I wasn’t here?

 

 _Jerry_ : The same stuff we talk about when you are here

 

 _Ben_ : Yeah we have no problems talking about people where they can see us

 

 _KenKen_ : I’ve never seen you guys talk about me

 

 _Ben_ : OMG Ike! How’s your bf?

 

 _Jerry_ : OMG he’s good

 

 _Ben_ : OMG awesome

 

 _Jerry_ : Yeah I think I might love him 

 

 _KenKen_ : What???

 

 _Jerry_ : What

 

 _Ben_ : ...awkward 

  


**Singles Squad**

**_December 9th 2:39 pm_ **

 

 _Ben_ : Don't wanna be 

 

 _Ben_ : ALL BY MYSELF

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *trying to post*  
> AO3: “brevity is the soul of wit, but your content does have to be at least 10 characters long.  
> Me: “I HAVE 32 DUCK EMOJIS!!!”


	38. We’re From Brooklyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/10/19  
> I’m back!

**Chappy Chanukah**

**_December 13th 12:13 am_ **

 

 _TweetyBirb_ renamed the chat **Chappy Cholidays**

  


**Chappy Cholidays**

**_December 13th 3:42 pm_ **

 

 _UseTape_ : Hey did you guys know that Spot had friends other than us???

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : WHAT???

 

 _Jerry_ : Other people LIKE Spot?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : dont you all have other friends

 

 _BestBi_ : Other friends?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Who’s she?

 

 _HO-meo_ : I don't know her

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Everytime any of us make new friends we add them here

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Yeah Spottie! Sharing=caring

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : its really not that big a deal

 

 _BestBi_ : Then add them

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : no

 

 _Ben_ : Why not???

 

 _Jerry_ : We’re cool!!!

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : they dont go to our school

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : theyre old Brooklyn friends

 

 _Crutch_This_ : We want to meet your Brooklyn friends

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : no

 

 _UseTape_ : Please

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : no

 

 _UseTape_ : 🥺

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : youre adorable but its still a no 

 

 _A_Goddess_ : What if I bribe you?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : $2 million

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Never mind

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Can I bribe you with baked goods?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : if its $2 million worth

 

 _BestBi_ : Why 2 million?

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : cuz none of you can pay it

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : As fun as watching people try to convince Spot to add his friends is

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ added _BrooklynQueen_ , _RogerThat_ , _Thot_Hot_ , _FirstBase_ , and _Coolbeans_ to the chat

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : fuck I forgot about blink

 

 _Coolbeans_ : There’s like 30 people in this chat wtf?

 

 _Thot_Hot_ left the chat

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ added _Thot_Hot_ to the chat

 

 _Thot_Hot_ left the chat

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ added _Thot_Hot_ to the chat

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : Stay

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : ur not the boss of me

 

 _Thot_Hot_ left the chat

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ added _Thot_Hot_ to the chat

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : just stay hot shot theyre not gonna stop adding you

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : fine

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Wow moodier Spot Conlon

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : bitch

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Introductions?

 

 _FirstBase_ : Nah, confusions more fun

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : What a mood

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : I’m Rafaela, she/her, bisexual, the only one with any brains in this operation

 

 _RogerThat_ : I have SOME brains

 

 _Coolbeans_ : My brain is just a bunch of coffee beans

 

 _RogerThat_ : Wow self burn

 

 _Coolbeans_ : ;)

 

 _FirstBase_ : I’m Swing, he/him, Pan, tired af

 

 _RogerThat_ : Oh right, I’m Roger, he/him, gay

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Coffee Bean, they/them, ace

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : fuk all of u

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : That’s Hot Shot, he says he’s straight, just ignore him

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : i am straight

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I think he’s actually just rage 

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : im sorry you guys got sucked into this hell

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : I’m NOT sorry that I sucked you guys into this hell 

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Hi I’m Katherine, she/her, bi

 

 _BestBi_ : Im Jack, he/him, bi obviously

 

 _RogerThat_ : Jack Kelly?

 

 _BestBi_ : Yeah… why

 

 _Coolbeans_ : You’re Spot’s brother! He talks about you a lot

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : NO I DONT

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : He says you’re a really good artist

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : I HAVE NEVER SAID A NOCE RHING ABOUT JACK IN KY LIFE

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Yes he has

 

 _BestBi_ : Aww Spottie!!! ❤️❤️❤️

 

 _smolbean_ : Spot is a secret softy confirmed

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Another bean!

 

 _smolbean_ : I’m Smalls! She/her, lesbian

 

 _Coolbeans_ : We’re best friends now

 

 _smolbean_ : Obviously 

 

 _BitchUThought_ : I’m her girlfriend Sniper

 

 _UseTape_ : Hi guys I’m Elmer! Spot’s boyfriend

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : Yeah Spot never stops talking about you

 

 _Coolbeans_ : It’s cute

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : im NOT cute

 

 _UseTape_ : You’re the cutest!

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : fine

 

 _UseTape_ : 💖

 

 _FirstBase_ : Adorable

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : shut it

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : This is the best Christmas gift EVER!!!

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Im Race!

 

 _RogerThat_ : You’re Spot’s ex

 

 _Coolbeans_ : He says you’re annoying

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : He is

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : I’m Race’s boyfriend Albert

 

 _MonsterMush_ : i’m Blink’s boyfriend Mush!

 

 _RogerThat_ : Blink has a boyfriend?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Blink actually talks to people?

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ : Shut up

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Wow Blink’s always a cryptid

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Hi I’m Sarah! I’m Katherine’s girlfriend

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : I’m Specs, he/him, gay

 

 _HO-meo_ : I’m his boyfriend Romeo!

 

 _SpellMyNameIDareU_ : I’m Jojo, they/them, Pan

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : I’m their girlfriend Buttons!!! And our boyfriend Henry is busy right now, but he’s here too!

 

 _Crutch_This_ : I’m Jack’s boyfriend Crutchie!

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : And I’m their other boyfriend, David

 

 _Jerry_ : I’m Mike

 

 _Ben_ : I’m Mike

 

 _KenKen_ : I’m Ike’s boyfriend Kenny!

 

 _Coolbeans_ : There’s two Mikes?

 

 _RogerThat_ : Who’s Ike?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Jerry is Ike, Ben is Mike, don’t trust a thing they say

 

 _Ben_ : We’re trustable!!!

 

 _Jerry_ : No we’re not

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : Moving on

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : I’m Finch, he/him, dating Tommy Boy, you’ll know him when you see him

 

 _BestBi_ : I think thats everyone

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Cool beans

 

 _RogerThat_ : Stop doing that

 

 _Coolbeans_ : COOL BEANS

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : why cant i have separate friend groups

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Shut up spottie were a delight

 

 _BestBi_ : I just cant believe Spot loves me

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : alright just shut up about it would ya

 

 _BestBi_ : ❤️❤️❤️

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brooklyn Usernames:  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Rafaela - BrooklynQueen  
> Hot Shot - Thot_Hot  
> Swing - FirstBase  
> Coffee Bean - Coolbeans  
> Roger - RogerThat


	39. I Like My Men Like I Like My Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 8/15/19  
> I should be in class right now... but I’m not

**Singles Squad**

**_December 14th 11:21 am_ **

 

 _Ben_ added _Coolbeans, FirstBase, Thot_Hot, BrooklynQueen,_ and _RogerThat_ to the chat

 

 _Ben_ : Welcome singles

 

 _Ben_ : If you’re not single then leave

 

 _Ben_ : None of you said you were dating anyone yesterday so I just assumed that you weren’t 

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : no 

 

 _Thot_Hot_ left the chat

 

 _Ben_ : Wow that’s exactly what Spot did 

 

 _RogerThat_ : Just think of Hot Shot as a much taller Spot Conlon

 

 _Ben_ : How much taller?

 

 _FirstBase_ : Like a foot taller

 

 _Ben_ : Wow

 

 _RogerThat_ : Yeah 

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Why were you the only person in this chat?

 

 _Ben_ : Well Race Spot Blink and Ike use to be here but they all have boyfriends now soooo

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Wait

 

 _Coolbeans_ : EVERYONE in that chat is dating someone?

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : Didn’t you pay attention when they were introducing themselves?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : There’s like 30 of them!!!

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I don’t remember most of them

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I think the one in here has a twin?

 

 _Ben_ : Yeah I do

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Cool beans

 

 _RogerThat_ : Stop it

 

 _Coolbeans_ : COOL BEANS

 

 _RogerThat_ : NO

 

 _FirstBase_ : You can cut the sexual tension with a knife I swear

 

 _Coolbeans_ : IM ACE!!!!

 

 _RogerThat_ : Aw Swing, I’d rather get in your bed

 

 _FirstBase_ : No get away from me

 

 _RogerThat_ : But baaaaaaaabe

 

 _FirstBase_ : I’d rather have Coffee Bean

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Both of you better stay the hell away from me

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : Alright, gentlemen, beverages, let’s cool it

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I’m not a BEVERAGE I’m a SEED

 

 _FirstBase_ : Give me your seed

 

 _RogerThat_ : That’s what she said

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Ew no

 

 _Ben_ : I think I love you guys

 

 _RogerThat_ : Eh you’re alright

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I like your twin better

 

 _RogerThat_ : You didn’t even remember if he had a twin earlier

 

 _Coolbeans_ : It's a JOKE Roger

 

 _RogerThat_ : It wasn’t FUNNY Coffee

 

 _FirstBase_ : Get a ROOM

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : As fun as your circular arguments are

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I like my men like I like my coffee

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I don’t like coffee *finger guns*

 

 _Ben_ : But your name is “COFFEE Bean”

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Do I come into YOUR house and tell you how to live YOUR life?

 

 _RogerThat_ : I like MY men how I like my coffee

 

 _RogerThat_ : Hot and made of ground up beans

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I feel like that’s a threat???

 

 _FirstBase_ : People aren’t made of beans

 

 _RogerThat_ : Did I say men? I meant coffee

 

 _RogerThat_ : I really want coffee

 

 _RogerThat_ : Like real coffee

 

 _Ben_ : Saaaame

 

 _FirstBase_ : I like my date partners of any gender like I like my coffee

 

 _FirstBase_ : Made of mostly water

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : I like my men like I like my women 

 

 _Ben_ : I like my men like I like my tea

 

 _Ben_ : I don’t

  


**Girls Only**

**_December 14th 2:12 am_ **

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Do you ever just

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Wish you boobs were smaller

 

 _BitchUThought_ : Me on the daily

 

 _BlinkityBlink_ added _BrooklynQueen_ to the chat

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : WHY IS BLINK HERE?!?!?

 

 _BitchUThought_ : I didn’t add him

 

 _smolbean_ : Me neither 

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Not me

 

 _A_Goddess_ : WTF

 

 _A_Goddess_ removed _BlinkityBlink_ from the chat

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : Oh thank god, other girls

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : That’s what we're here for

  


**Chappy Cholidays**

**_December 14th 6:47 pm_ **

 

 _Jerry_ : Who wants to get drunk and chase squirrels in the park later

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : There’s class tomorrow. 

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Yeah that was the problem with that plan

 

 _Ben_ : I ONLY DID THAT ONE TIME AND YOU WERE THERE TOO

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Im down to yell at squirrels 

 

 _Jerry_ : It was a joke Race

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Hell yeah! Fuck squirrels

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Race, Albert, no. 

 

 _HO-meo_ : Race and Albert YES

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Hell yeah!!

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I definitely would, but I feel like whatever park you’re thinking of is too far away so I guess I’ll pass

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Give me your # and well drunkenly chase squirrels in central park and you can drunkenly chase squirrels in prospect park and well facetime

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Cool beans!!

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Guys no. 

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Guys YES

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Hell yeah

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Hella yeahs

 

 _HO-meo_ : Hells to the yeah

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : I want to videotape all of this

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Next week is finals week guys, can’t you be responsible until finals are over

 

 _BestBi_ : I see what youre saying Dave but the way I see it is that we have until Sunday night to be completely irresponsible 

 

 _WalkingMouth_ : Jackson Francis Kelly

 

 _BeatBi_ : Hey I wasnt the one going to go chase squirrels in the park 

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Francis?

 

 _BestBi_ : KATHERINES MIDDLE NAME IS ETHEL

 

 _A_Goddess_ : I didn’t even say anything!

 

 _BestBi_ : I dont know Sarahs middle name

 

 _A_Goddess_ : It’s Ester

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : KATHERINE!!!

 

 _GreasesLightning_ : Ah yes Ester and Ethel americas new power couple

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Antonio Spaghetti Higgins!!!

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Antonio Ravioli Higgins!!!

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : aNtOnIo fEtTuCcInE HiGgInS

 

 _BestBi_ : Anthony O'reilly Higgins

 

 _HO-meo_ : Damn Kelly, breaking out the Irish 

 

 _RogerThat_ : Are you Italian or Irish?

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I’m gay

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : IN MY GOOD CHRISTIAN HOUSEHOLD???

 

 _Crutch_This_ : I leave for half an hour and I come back to THIS???

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I’m ready to catch the squirrels

 

 _HO-meo_ : Hell yeah

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if you guys watch Songland, but last night the guy from OneRepublic asked the ginger if he was Scottish or Irish and he responded “I’m gay” and then the girl from Pitch Perfect and Macklemore died


	40. If You Don’t Know What Allosexual Is Then It’s Probably You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahaha it’s only been a MONTH  
> I think I’m gonna end up skipping Christmas cuz I don’t really know what to do for that. Or maybe I’ll just have people talking in smaller convos idk

**Chappy Cholidays**

**_December 21st 5:21 pm_ **

 

 _Best_Bi_ : ITS OFFICIALLY WINTER BREAK Y’ALL

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Lets GET this bread bois!!!

 

 _HO-meo_ renamed the chat **Let’s GET This Bread**

 

 _UseTape_ : It’s barely the first day of break and I’m already injured

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : who do i need to fight

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I barely know you, but I will fight whoever hurt you

 

 _Best_Bi_ : Ok who are we fighting?

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : Tell then how you got hurt El

 

 _MonsterMush_ : yeah Elmer

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : 👀

 

 _UseTape_ : It’s fine guys you don’t have to fight anyone

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : i wanna fight people

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : seriously elmer who do we need to fight

 

 _UseTape_ : ...a glue gun

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : oh

 

 _HO-meo_ : I can’t wait to see THE Spot Conlon fight a glue gun

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Id fite a glue gun

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : The glue gun would win

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Um r00d

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Make crafts not war

 

 _Coolbeans_ : What if I make war with my crafts?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Then you shall be crowned ruler of the universe 

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Fuck yeah

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : What were you making when you injured yourself Elmer?

 

 _UseTape_ : Albert Mush and I were making Christmas gifts for people

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : That is a cool idea

 

 _UseTape_ : Yeah we broke

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : So so sooooo broke

 

 _MonsterMush_ : i’m not broke, I just like crafts

 

 _UseTape_ : How are you not broke???

 

 _MonsterMush_ : cuz Blink and I don’t go on super expensive dates to restaurants and stuff

 

 _A_Goddess_ : Then what do you do for dates

 

 _MonsterMush_ : we stay in mostly

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : They stare at each other lovingly and it’s honestly than walking in on them doin it

 

 _HO-meo_ : Doing what?

 

 _BestBi_ : Um…

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Ro?

 

 _Crutch_This_ : Oh geez

 

 _RogerThat_ : Dude ho is in your name 

 

 _HO-meo_ : I don’t get it

 

 _ButtonsUpBitches_ : Specs?

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : He means sex, Romes

 

 _Just_Specs-ulations_ : He’s saying that Mush and Blink being soft and lovey is worse than them having sex

 

 _HO-meo_ : 0_o

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : That was so innocent that I almost regret saying anything

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Romeo how do u not get the sex reference???

 

 _HO-meo_ : Finals has killed my brain

 

 _HO-meo_ : I’m actually dead right now 

 

 _HO-meo_ : 👻

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Do you guys ever just really hate allosexuals?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : This isn’t a dis on you guys btw

 

 _Coolbeans_ : There’s a guy on fb who’s just being a perv

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : whats his name?

 

 _BrooklynQueen_ : We’ll cut his dick off for you

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : Whats an allosexual?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : If you have to ask then it’s probably you

 

 _BestBi_ : ???

 

 _FirstBase_ : It means someone who feels sexual attraction regularly 

 

 _RogerThat_ : In other words, anyone who isn’t ace

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Or grey or demi

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : So im allosexual?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : You’re homosexual yeah?

 

 _GreasesLighting_ : Yeah

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Then yes, you’re allosexual

 

 _TweetyBirb_ : The more you know 🌈🌟

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : yeah yeah learning and bonding blah blah blah

 

 _the_spot_conlon_ : do we need to castrate someone or not

 

 _Coolbeans_ : Nah I’ve got this 😉

 

 _A_Goddess_ : What are you going to do?

 

 _Coolbeans_ : I texted his messages to his mom

 

 _Ben_ : 0:

 

 _Jerry_ : :0

 

 _WhoIsShe_ : Hell yeah

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : U show him

 

 _Thot_Hot_ : y wont u guys let me fight anyone

 

 _FirstBase_ : Dial it down thot

 

 _AlbieQuiet_ : ELMER BURNED HIMSELF AGAIN

 

 _UseTape_ : SHUT UP ALBERT

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : I guess u could say 

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : He should have used tape

 

 _GreasedLightning_ : 🔥😎🔥 yeeeeeaaaaaahhh

 

 _UseTape_ : 🤦

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember what allosexual means. I call people that all the time and they never know what it means


	41. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter in my doc when I decided to write a new chapter, I guess I wrote it and forgot about it  
> Whoops

**GreasedLightning to AlbieQuiet**

**_December 22nd 10:03 am_ **

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Heyyyy babe

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : What r u doing 4 Christmas?

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Well usually I have dinner with my fam but obviously I’m not doing that this year

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : So nothing what’s up?

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : U wanna come with me 2 my fams house? The Higgins household is a homophobia free zone

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Wouldn’t it be awkward?

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Nah my fams real chill I promise 

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : You just want to be able to sit at the adult’s table

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : U DONT KNOW ME

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : MAYBE I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY BOYFRIEND

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : No but seriously I want you to come

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Pleeeeeeeease

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Well when you put it that way

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Ull come?

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : Yeah

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : 🎉😁

 

_ AlbieQuiet _ : 😘😘

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : 🥰🥰🥰🥰

 

_ GreasedLightning _ : Ill tell my mom ur coming

  
  
  


**One Of Each**

**_December 22nd 12:34 pm_ **

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : What are you guys doing on Christmas?

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : We don’t celebrate Christmas Jo

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Right but are you doing anything on the 25th?

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Uh nothing I guess but I don’t really want to celebrate with your family

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : No offense

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : None taken but actually we’re celebrating Christmas today because my parents are going to Italy in two days to make sure my nonna is doing ok after her surgery 

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : So no catholicism only me wanting to spend time with my favorite people

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Unless you want to hang at my place

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Then there’ll be like twenty million nativity scenes and twice as many crosses on the walls

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Oh ok

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Then I’d love to hangout with you on Christmas 

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Yay 🥳

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Buttons?

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Buttons?

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : Buttons

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : Babe

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : B

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : U

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : T

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : T

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : O

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : N

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU _ : S

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : @ButtonsUpBitches

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : Alright alright I’m here 

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : I’m free to hang on the 25th

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : Now fuck off I was sleeping

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye _ : It’s past noon???

 

_ ButtonsUpBitches _ : 🖕🖕

  
  
  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_December 22nd 3:57 pm_ **

 

_ BestBi _ : Daaaaaavey

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : No. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : 🥺🥺🥺

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : I’m not watching childrens’ movies with you, I’m busy. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : It’s winter break

 

_ BestBi _ : No work only cuddles

 

_ WakingMouth _ : You haven’t finished your painting for Medda yet. 

 

_ BestBi _ : …

 

_ BestBi _ : SHIT!!!

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Thanks Davey now I have no one to cuddle with

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : I’m sorry love. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : You can make it up to me by cuddling

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : I’m busy. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : 🥺

 

_ WalkingMouth _ : Fine. 

 

_ Crutch_This _ : 😁😁😁

  
  
  


**the_spot_conlon** **to UseTape**

**_December 22nd 4:12 pm_ **

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : christmas 

 

_ UseTape _ : Jewish

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : right

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : do you want to come over then?

 

_ UseTape _ : What do you do for Christmas?

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : breakfast then gifts then lunch then games then dinner then movies

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : you dont have to be there the whole time

 

_ UseTape _ : That sounds fun! But I’ve only got a gift for you, not your mom or Jack

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : we can put your name on my gift to mama

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : jack doesnt need a gift

 

_ UseTape _ : Lol no

 

_ UseTape _ : I’ll just make them gifts

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : speaking of which have you burned yourself again?

 

_ UseTape _ : ...nooooo

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : if i ask albert will he say the same?

 

_ UseTape _ : ALBERTS A DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR AND HE SHOULDNT BE TRUSTED

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : three two one

 

_ UseTape _ : Don’t tell him I said that!! He’s my best friend and I love him so much

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : ill take that to mean you did burn yourself 

 

_ UseTape _ : Lil bit

 

_ the_spot_conlon _ : do you want me to kiss it better?

 

_ UseTape _ : 😘

  
  
  


**A_Goddess to WhoIsShe**

**_December 22nd 6:21 pm_ **

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Hey guess what

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : What?

 

_ A_Goddess _ : Ily

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : Omg ily2

 

_ A_Goddess _ :💖💖💖

 

_ WhoIsShe _ : 💝💝💝

  
  
  


**World’s Best Boyfriends**

**_December 23rd 3:43 am_ **

 

_ BestBi _ : YOU GUYS WERE CUDDLING WITHOUT ME???????

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Jackie

 

_ Crutch_This _ : It’s almost 4 in the morning

 

_ Crutch_This _ : It’s been 12 hours

 

_ Crutch_This _ : Just come here and cuddle

 

_ BestBi _ : ❤️❤️❤️

 

_ Crutch_This _ : 😴

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna stop writing the date after this unless it’s relevant, cuz it’s a lot of effort that I don’t want to put into this anymore


	42. Your Cousin Throckmorton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Race - GreasedLightning  
> Jack - BestBi  
> Crutchie - Crutch_This  
> David - WalkingMouth  
> Smalls - smolbean  
> Katherine - A_Goddess  
> Sarah - WhoIsShe  
> Jojo - SpellMyNameIDareU  
> Henry - Pastrami_On_Rye  
> Buttons - ButtonsUpBitches  
> Mike - Ben  
> Ike - Jerry  
> Romeo - HO-meo  
> Specs - Just_Specs-ulations  
> Spot - the_spot_conlon  
> Sniper - BitchUThought  
> Kid Blink - BlinkityBlink  
> Albert - AlbieQuiet  
> Mush - MonsterMush  
> Finch - TweetyBirb  
> Elmer - UseTape  
> Tommy Boy - Thomas_Man  
> Kenny - KenKen  
> Rafaela - BrooklynQueen  
> Hotshot - Thot_Hot  
> Swing - FirstBase  
> Coffee Bean - Coolbeans  
> Roger - RogerThat  
> 

**OK Boomer**

**11:47 am**

_  
Crutch_This: _ Hey guys, my cousin is moving to New York and I was wondering if I could add him to the chat

 

_ GreasedLightning: _ Your cousin Throckmorton?

 

_ Crutch_This: _ What?

 

_ Coolbeans: _ The skateboarder???

 

_ KenKen: _ Good old Throcky

 

_ WalkingMouth: _ I don’t think Crutchie has a cousin named ‘Throckmorton’, let alone one who is a skateboarder.

 

_ AlbieQuiet: _ I can’t wait to see your cousin Throckmorton skate down a curved frictionless ramp

 

_ A_Goddess: _ What is happening?

 

_ GreasedLightning: _ Your cousin Throckmorton is coming to town

 

_ UseTape: _ I thought Throckmorton was Crutchie’s cousin

 

_ smolbean: _ Throckmorton is everyone’s cousin

 

_ Crutch_This: _ Guys pls I’m so confused

 

_ RogerThat: _ Your cousin Throckmorton is a skateboarder

 

_ Crutch_This:  _  I don’t have a cousin named Throckmorton!

 

_ AlbieQuiet: _ Throcky!

 

_ smolbean: _ Throcky!

 

_ Coolbeans: _ Throcky!

 

_ GreasedLightning: _ Throcky!

 

_ RogerThat _ : Throcky!

 

_ KenKen: _ Throcky!

 

_ SpellMyNameIDareU: _ Guys I’m literally crying what’s happening

 

_ BrooklynQueen: _ It’s a meme

 

_ TweetyBirb: _ It’s physics question that starts with “Your cousin Throckmorton skateboards”

 

_ Crutch_This: _ Oh

 

_ A_Goddess: _ Tell us about your cousin, Crutch

 

_ Crutch_This: _ Oh yeah!

 

_ Crutch_This: _ His name is York

 

_ Crutch_This: _ He’s moving to New York next week to live with our grandparents

 

_ Crutch_This: _ He’s 19

 

_ Ben: _ Add him

 

_ Crutch_This _ added  _ Yorkshire _ to the chat

 

_ Yorkshire: _ Hello!

 

_ smolbean  _ changed  _ Yorkshire _ to  _ Throckmorton _

 

_ Throckmorton: _ Ok then

 

_ Throckmorton: _ I guess I’m buying a skateboard

 

_ GreasedLightning: _ Glad to have ya Throcky

 

_ Throckmorton: _ Happy to be here

 

_ Crutch_This: _ No York, not you too!

 

_ Throckmorton: _ Who’s York? 

 

_ Throckmorton: _ I’m your cousin Throckmorton

 

_ KenKen: _ The skateboarder

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye: _ It’s too early in the morning to deal with all of you

 

_ AlbieQuiet: _ It’s passed noon

 

_ Pastrami_On_Rye: _ I know what I said

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are so many newsies that aren’t in this chat that I could probably make like six more chapter just for adding newsies  
> (This is not a promise, it’s just a statement)


End file.
